Last night, as I flopped onto the bed, I was surprised by some pain. I asked my husband if I had a bruise, which he confirmed.
I got up to check out the situation, and to check the fading on other snowboarding bruises. As I stood in front of my mirror, I was awestruck by what I saw.
Because I wasn't checking myself out to see if I looked "fat", I was able to see the full extent of my weight loss. I even said outloud, "wow, I've lost a lot of weight". (which was really confusing for my husband because apparently it's been pretty obvious to everyone else)
But for me, I still see myself as the 'before' photo. (And I had no clue that the top was too big now)
Today, after hitting the gym and having a bit of a runner's high, I started thinking about why this is. How is it that I've lost 90+ lbs but I see failure when I look in the mirror? Sure, there are times that I look and feel great - but this week, not so much.
I already knew that I struggle with cognitive distortions and have been working on this. However, it's usually more obvious. For example, if I struggle with doing something around the house or learning something new, I 'hear' myself telling myself that I will never be successful. And then I use CBT to prove it wrong. While I don't feel super fantastic in these moments, I eventually realize that one struggle doesn't negate previous success.
Those other voices, though, they are sneaky. They are involved in pretty much every decision I make. And I don't notice it or realize that I've been defining myself by my choices. With all the Valentine's chocolate around, my diet has been less than stellar. So with each "failed" choice, I was reaffirming in my head that *I* am a failure. It's a vicious cycle. I make not great choices because the voices in my head say "why not?" or they provide excuses, like I'm too busy to make something healthy to eat. And with these choices, I define myself.
I would never define a child by their not-great behaviour, but I don't extend myself the same courtesy. It's time to work on that.