This is about more than me!

Posted on August 10, 2014

I'm 5 weeks into chemo and 4 months into exercise and eating right. I'm feeling good and strong. I know I'm winning more than a bet. I'm winning my life.

Today, when I got home from riding I got a call from my 15 year old daughter. She's in Utah at a treatment center for depression and cutting. She's been there since December and were praying she's home again this November. She's had 2 great home visits and another one is coming in September I didn't expect a call today. We'd spoken last night and she'd sounded really good. Today, however, I think the reality of my cancer finally hit. The pics of my shorn head made it real to her in a new way, and she was just so scared. She's afraid I will die and she's losing all this time together.

You see, this isn't my first fight with cancer. I had colon cancer 10 years ago when she was 5. And we believe that some of her problems now stem from being a little caretaker then. Children often believe that if they're "good" they can keep their parents safe and well. And so for years she bottled up any negative emotions until she couldn't feel anything. Thus the cutting.

So, on the one hand, I'm relieved to hear her tears even as it breaks my heart. It makes sense for her to be afraid and sad. She doesn't have to be the strong one. That's my job.

There's something else different this time around the last time I was tired all the time. I couldn't do much of anything. I continued working, but at home I mostly slept. I wasn't exercising, I didn't change any eating habits. I lost weight only because I had no appetite. I looked like shit and felt the same

This time is so DIFFERENT. While I now have one or two bad days a week, I'm mostly strong. I'm eating in a way that supports my body. I exercise 6 days a week, and I can tell a huge difference. If I need a nap, I take it, but I rarely need it.

The thing is, getting well, living healthy is not just about me. It's about Margaret too. She needs to know that I'm not going to leave her. Not now. Not this way. She needs to see that this is different. I hate that I can't show her on a day to day basis and I can't wait to see her sept 1. It's important to me and to her to know the truth. Yes I have cancer. Yes it sucks big time. And YES I'm going to come out of it healthier and stronger than ever.

Thanks for providing me with a place to share. We can all do this! Getting healthy is not just for us! It's for all the ones we love and all the ones who love us! We got this!

Comment Now!

Michael

08/30/2014 9:45AM

Wow. Very powerful stuff.

rush

08/16/2014 8:02AM

so sad to hear about your cancer diagnosis . you are inspirational and your willpower will help you conquer this diseasel.

Lynda H. likes this comment.

Lynda H.

Thank you!

Cherie

08/14/2014 5:49PM

Thank you so much for sharing, Lynda. This comes at a time that I've been a little lax in my exercise. I gave myself permission to relax after a visit with the grandchildren.....so proud that I could keep up with them! Your experience stays on my mind and I think keeps me in a positive mode!! Best of luck to you and your daughter.

Lynda H. likes this comment.

Kim D.

08/12/2014 4:33PM

Thank you for being so open with discussing the challenges of your life. You are doing awesome. You are an inspiration!

Lynda H. likes this comment.

Lynda H.

Thanks. I need all the help I can get--and this board has become a huge part of my journey

Kelly G.

08/12/2014 12:07PM

Lynda, You are such a positive force for your daughter! I am amazed at your outlook on life and how you make all of us want to try to do better for ourselves and our families. Thank you for that. I'm cheering on for you, your daughter, and your family. You will all come out better and stronger!

Lynda H. likes this comment.

Lynda H.

Thanks Kelly. That means more than you know

HapiCampr

08/11/2014 3:27PM

Lynda: I want to tell you how much I look forward to your blog posts. When I see you have a new one, I wait until I have a peaceful time to sit, read and absorb it. Your courage and intention to live life to the fullest is very inspiring to me. I feel so fortunate for getting to know you, just a little, through your blog. You remind me that life is to be lived and to find all the joy that I can in every moment. My humble thanks. Keep sharing your story, I love it!

Lynda H. likes this comment.

Lynda H.

Thanks so much. These responses mean a great deal to me and help me every day

Esther M.

08/11/2014 3:08PM

You go Lynda! I'm so proud of you. Continue to be an example to others.

Lynda H. and HapiCampr like this comment.

CeAnn S.

08/11/2014 5:36AM

You are just so awesome Lynda! You and your daughter will both get through this healthier and stronger! {{{{Hugs}}}}

HapiCampr and Lynda H. like this comment.

Courtney

08/10/2014 5:38PM

Good luck with the future. ...because there is a future. ..positive thoughts towards you and yours

HapiCampr and Lynda H. like this comment.

Kim

08/10/2014 2:52PM

I hope your daughter gets to see you soon and come home. You are the definition of strong and she will see that =) We all adore you on here and wish you nothing but love and health and happiness! So glad you shared this. Love & hugs

Lynda H. likes this comment.

Lynda H.

Thanks Kim. Y'all means a lot to me! I can't wait to have her home.