DAY 91: Daddy's (not-so-) little girl

Posted on June 22, 2015

I have a lot in common with my dad. We have the same love of puns and lame jokes. We like football. We know a liar the second he opens his mouth. We enjoy trivia. We're shutterbugs. We don't like watching previews at the movies.

We both have weight issues.

Over the weekend, I spent some time at my parents' house so I could see my dad on Father's Day. No matter how old I get, he'll always think of me as his little girl. The problem is, of course, I'm not exactly little in that sense.

I have never, in any stage of my pretty healthy relationship with my parents, been able to talk about my weight with either of them. Part of the reason is that I have watched both of them struggle with weight themselves over the course of my life, so there's kind of a latent hypocrisy baked into the subject if either of us were to raise it with the other. The rest of the reason is that I'm just an awkward, uncomfortable, hypersensitive mess with anyone who broaches the subject with me. It's a twisted irony that my biggest insecurity that I want to talk about the least, is the most easily visible to those closest to me AND to complete strangers. It feels like a very personal subject that is so part of who I am at the core because it has affected EVERY. SINGLE. ASPECT. of my life. (That is not an exaggeration. Proof positive: there is exactly one person in the entire universe of people I know in the real world who knows about the existence of this blog, and it's still surprising to me that I volunteered that information to her.) The people closest to me in my life know it's an issue to be tip-toed around or averted entirely. So, it took me by complete surprise when my dad dared to raise the issue with me when I got back from a must-get-in-my-steps walk on Saturday morning.

He didn't go straight for the jugular, of course; he certainly knows better than that. He just innocently welcomed me back and, making sure I wasn't looking at him when he started speaking, casually asked, "How much weight have you lost, by the way?" I immediately became squirmy and embarrassed, and totally lied to him: "I don't know." And then, feeling guilty about lying, quickly added on the truth, "I don't really wanna talk about it." I was still avoiding eye contact, but I could tell he was doing a that's-the-silly-little-girl-of-mine smile. He just said, "OK. But it is noticeable." So of course, I promptly changed the subject so I could look at him again, and filed the entire exchange away into the "ignore" part of my brain until later that night, when I was alone and could get all introspective about it.

Even though I hate talking about my weight loss out loud, in person, with anybody, I've still been scratching my head a little lately about why the people I see regularly haven't said anything to me. The first -- and, until Saturday, only -- person who commented, did it a month and ~12 pounds ago. If anything, my progress should be even more apparent now. Hell, it is to ME, and I see me more than anyone. What gives? I know it's a little harder to see for people who see me every day because they're seeing it happen so gradually, and I also know (OBVIOUSLY) that it's a sensitive subject that people tend to pussy foot around so as not to offend a person who may or may not have lost weight, either intentionally or not. I really do get that. But still... in 52 pounds and 3 months, one person? Validate me, universe! This shit is hard! SOMEONE TELL ME I'M PRETTY!

Like a good father, my dad gave me what I needed, even though I didn't appreciate it at the time. Thanks, Dad.

Comment Now!

Kimberly G.

06/24/2015 5:21PM

HIGH FIVE Pirwaki!! HIGH. FIVE. I know how good it feels to have someone notice your hard work, shit I love that feeling. But when it doesn't come I remind myself that at the end of the day I'm doing this for me. Not for the compliments. Not to find a significant other. For me.

Aimes

06/23/2015 8:44AM

You know what's funny? I have a co-worker who I can tell has recently lost a lot of weight. And I WANT to say something to him, but every time I go to comment, I catch myself because the only things I can think to say sound inappropriate. Like, "Have you been working out?" or "You're looking really good." It all sounds like a pick-up line and I'm sure I'll get thrown in sexual harassment training. Also, I noticed you said: "I'm just an awkward, uncomfortable, hypersensitive mess with anyone who broaches the subject with me." Do you think that has something to do with it? But you're right - it would be so easy for someone to just say: You look pretty! And 52 lbs is a BFD!

Pirwaki

Hahaha -- that's a good point, it can sound a little harass-y. And you're probably also right that people can likely sense my weirdness about the subject and just avoid mentioning what they notice for that reason. Thanks for giving me some perspective.

Aimes

I swear I do it every morning I see him - I try to think of appropriate ways to comment, but I always picture it coming out like Ron Burgundy would say it. :-)

bahhhhh

06/23/2015 8:35AM

So here's my take on why people don't comment on weight loss. I think that weight and body image is so carefully guarded as the thing you don't talk about in polite society-- no politics at dinner, no religion on the bus, no mention of your size all the time. I get that weight loss is considered generally "good" and praise-worthy, but telling someone they have lost weight kind of remarks that you NOTICED they needed to-- whether you meant to or not, whether you thought they needed to or not. I think we're all so obsessed with body image that it's scary to comment on anything physical on anyone. I have a very large friend who lost a lot of weight, and whenever people would say "wow, you lost a lot of weight!" She would reply, yes, I know, because I did it. She would get really upset at the attention. That doesn't apply to everyone, obviously, I mean, I want everyone to tell me all the time if they think I lost weight whether I have or not. But they don't. If I bring up that I am working on losing weight, I hear it -- oh, you can really tell, you look great, blah blah. But it is not something that's just freely offered. And I think your description of feeling uncomfortable when the subject was brought up by your sweet father is probably evident to other people. They can probably tell you'd balk a little and just avoid the topic to keep everybody comfortable. But that's just my guess. I know when someone asks how much weight I've lost and I tell them, they look surprised, becaus

Pirwaki

As usual, you speak the truth. It's probably super obvious that I don't wanna talk about it. I also probably can't have it both ways, not wanting to talk about it, but wanting praise for it. Oh, me.

Findingmyawesome

06/22/2015 10:04PM

How about "daddy's 'getting-littler-every-day' girl?"Not to get all deep here but do you think that wanting to blend in when you were at a heavier weight has gotten you in the mindset that you didn't want compliments, didn't like compliments and rejected them and shot down compliments or got weird (shy or uncomfortable) that it's a difficult wall to break down for the people around you that you've trained to not say anything.I know that for years one of my dear friends who is absolutely gorgeous but struggled with her weight would respond to compliments with one line "are you drunk?" And it just drove me nuts. Now after a good heart to heart I explained to her that I hope she thinks higher of me to know that I wouldn't say something I didn't mean and that to just practice saying "thanks". Now she says thanks and I think she's starting to believe people. I don't know you but you are beautiful, you're tenacious (52 lbs!!!! Right on) and you are learning to put yourself first. You go girl.

Pirwaki

You're probably right that there's a psychological aversion. I don't like anyone to acknowledge I have a body, and I do typically deflect compliments about anything physical. So it makes sense that people wouldn't waste their breath giving me a compliment that they figured I was just going to reject. Good call. And thank YOU for the compliment! :D

Findingmyawesome

Be proud of yourself girl! Even if you've got to fake it til you make it! I was 14 years old and bald as a billiard ball due to chemo when I learned that gem. Was the toughest year for me in regards to my self perception and acceptance.

Jocey

06/22/2015 6:52PM

I love this post! I love that your Dad mentioned it even though it was uncomfortable - I'll bet he mentioned it because he is so proud of your accomplishment. As for others - I often wonder the same thing. It is rare that anyone says anything to me about my weight loss. If anything, I hear it through the grapevine (for example, my husband said that his coworker told him that his wife had noticed...after we were at a dinner together and chatting for about 3 hours). And I went to a wedding where people that I've known for a long time (we're talking 10+ years) kept looking at me but never said a word. Humans baffle me.

Aimes likes this comment.

Pirwaki

Ha!! I want "humans baffle me" on a T-shirt.