Not caring, excuses, or...?

In 2008 I weighed 191 lbs. A health screening showed that my numbers were really good, and I was advised that all I needed to do was lose weight to be considered healthy. This came on the heels of my mom's first big stroke. She was obese, diabetic, a smoker, had high blood pressure and high cholesterol. It was scary, so being told that all I needed to do was lose some weight to not end up like her was manageable. 

I lost 45 lbs. I got married, received my MLIS and gained 33 lbs. back within a couple years.

I felt gross. I was depressed. My mom was really sick. I knew I needed to do something. So I refocused on my health. I signed up for the gym, got a trainer and lost 44 lbs.

Even with the trainer, though, around March 2015 my weight started to creep back on. We redoubled our efforts and I was able to keep my weight gain back to a mere 7 lbs. I'd run my 5th half marathon, was lifting heavy, and was tired. I was spending 1-2 hours a day in the gym, but not allowing myself that quiet and creative time that I needed  I was at a breaking point, but I didn't know it.

Then I started a new job. And worked even longer hours. And started managing stress by eating too much. And moved a library. And ended up cutting back my gym time to 2 or 3 days a week since I was truly exhausted. Between moving the library and working out I got hurt - abdominal tear and torn iliacus.

The doctor told me to "do as little as humanly possible until it doesn't hurt to move any more." I'd just opened a library, so bed rest wasn't going to happen. I had to interpret doctors orders differently and get specifics of what I could and couldn't do. 

That was in August. I was bored out of my mind. I was depressed and stressed as hell. And I ate way too much.

As of my official weigh in date I've gained back 32.8 lbs. I have to ask myself if I gained it back because I didn't care, or if I'm simply looking for excuses to rationalize the weight gain? I mean, I know weight loss boils down to calories in vs calories out. I also know that my activity level did not necessitate all of the food I was eating. Or all the liquor I was drinking.

I don't know... What I do know is that I'm seeing a pattern here. I'm losing around 45 lbs and gaining back around 35 lbs each time. Once I'm "done" with the weight loss this time, I'll need to learn how to maintain it. That's truly the scary thing in my future.