Shame

I am usually quite confident.  I know I am not stupid, and I do have a few years of bumpy road behind me, and feel I have had some experience in life.  But somehow, in interactions with others, I suddenly realize they are assuming I am of lesser intelligence.  Because I am fat.  Obese.  And that it is obviously a stupid decicion on my part...  Sometimes I want to scream, give them my life story, bash their heads in a wall.., but I also feel the shame.  Yes, I have made poor decicions that led to obesity, I acknowledge that, but stupid decisions alone does not define who I am!  Others have done some poor choises in life too, but with obesety it seems it is free for all to judge.  And I feel the shame of my mistakes, but I am not defined by previous mistakes any more than others.

I feel shame a lot.  When I don't fit the clothes, the furniture, the safety belt, I feel ashamed of what I have become.  But make no mistake: I am NOT ashamed of who I am!!

Assuming fat people are of less intelligence, some of the actual morons feel free to give advice, to comment on my size and what to do with it, without bothering to check what I actually do, and have been doing for years.  I have been confronted with my size by strangers on a bus, at pubs, in networks..  And they all feel I should be ashamed of myself.

I do.  I do feel ashamed over the choices I made, but at the time it didn't seem to matter.  Those choises always had reasons behind them, concious or not, that seemed valid at the time.  I refuse to be judged by my past, I have moved forward!  But sometimes it is hard to feel confident when you see the judgement in the eyes of others.

Once I was out with some friends.  This random guy comes over to our table and says directly to me:"well, Lady, I am sure you have a nice personality!"  That was one of the nicer ways to put me down.  I looked him in the eyes and replied" I have a fantastic personality, and I give the best blowjobs EVER.  sorry you''ll miss it."  I still feel good about my reply and the memory of his face.  Who decided everybody could feel free to tell me about my life?  They don't know me, but they have this idea of a coach potato eating junk food non-stop, and feel they are doing something worthy by telling me I am fat.

I do have a mirror.  I know I am big.  And I refuse to be ashamed anymore!!  I am doing something about it!

Nobody tells a bad parent they should be ashamed, they sugar coat it the best they can.  If you are a slow thinker, people usually gives you time and leeway, and appreciate what you get done.  If you have a handicap, people usually will try to help.  But if you are depressed you should snap out of it, and if you are fat, you should just loose the weight, preferrably overnight, so others will have a more estethic wiew from their pub table..

There are many reasons for becoming obese, and there are many ways to do something about it.  Telling me that I am fat doesn't do it for me.  But: Why does sports clothes in stores only come in small sizes?  Why are the apparati in the gym designed so that a fat person cant fit in?  Why is it amusing to see a fat person trying to exercise?  Why should I feel ashamed to go to the pool to work out under water, where I will do less damage while trying to build up muscle and stamina?  If the fat-shamers could do something about that...

No, I am done with the shame!  I do the best I can with the recources available, and shame on those who is not willing to give me credit for that.  I am proud of what I am doing.  Proud of turning my life around.  Proud of not giving in.  Proud of every progress I make.  And if I ever feel shame, let it be about something I am doing now!  I am past my past!