I am having a crappy day. I am coughing and wheezing, my head hurts,- most likely from high blood pressure, I have gained weight again, in spite of staing on the straight and narrow for five weeks. It is so demotivating! Having a bipolar mood swing doesn't exactly help, but it isn't too bad either.
I am staying at my mothers house again, dog-sitting, and I do go out with him, but that was all I did today. And of course, her first words to me was" you have gained weight again!"
I tried to watch some body transformations on YouTube, and ended up crying my eyes out because I cannot seem to do it. I want this so badly!! I am so sick and tired of being fat and out of shape! I want to go the distance. I really do. Still, my first response to my emotions is: " I want chocolate!" I am NOT going to eat my feelings. They taste like crap anyway. But the old impulse is still strong.
I resisted today. But I ate bread for breakfast, snack, lunch and dinner today. I had an insatiable craving, and ended up with like seven open sandwiches with margerine. I felt like an idiot, but I was so hungry, the bread was there and it smelled like heaven. I have decided that this is a cheat day light. When my hunger was stilled, I didn't get hungry again until now, an hour or so before bedtime, and I had a little baked fish with baked salad(!) and was satified with that. Together with three fruits I am still under two thousand calories, maybe down to 1500, but I cannot be bothered to figure it out properly. At least I didn't drive to town to get loads of chocolate and other no-nos as I really wanted.
I didn't work out today either. Every time I start, my head starts hurting again, and I worry about overdoing things when I am this out of shape. And I cried a bit about that too,- wanting to exercise, but not feeling confident enough with my own body to just do it. Maybe I should reconcider my decision to refuse the medication for my blood pressure? The doctor was rather strict with me, and gave me a lot of warnings, and it seems they have creeped up on me and makes me worry...
I really have to imply all my coping strategies when I feel this low. The voices inside are screaming at me to give up, and I have been at war with them all day. Talking to myself is not a problem, but when I almost get into fistfights with myself, there is a good reason to be suspicious... LOL
My coping skills are getting better. My motivation is strong most days too. Today was a really crappy day. I am going to allow myself to snivel for ten minutes more, then I will dry my tears and sing a song, take a walksie and go to bed.
All in all I did good today. Tomorrow is a new day. I will get through tomorrow too.