My own worst enemy

Posted on April 20, 2016

Day 3: 198lbs

Just like that it's 430am. The number of alarms it takes to get my body out of bed at this unforsaken hour is embarassing to say the least. It gets the job done. Preworkout and water bottle at bedside, I managed to drag myself to the gym.

Running 3 miles last night at 9pm, then getting up at 430am is definitely not the brightest idea but sacrificing sleep is the route I chose to go with. I knew I would be grateful for this choice today.

I wanted to cry this morning. My workout included 3 sets of burpees ( on top of other moves). With every burpee came a curse word and then I became angry. How could I let myself become so complacent? I told myself once, during Insanity. Never again. I would never again have to work to lose weight and have to do a workout routine such as Insanity to get there. Its the program that changed the way my mind worked. No food, absoultely none, including donuts, frappucinos, cake and chocolate would be worth a darn Insanity workout or any workout close to it. This morning I had my wake up call. NO. I am not 240 lbs, but I'm complacent. This just isn't okay anymore. The fact that I work out daily and allow myself to eat what I want only to gain weight is insane. I often voice my frustration to those around me and am told " it's okay", " it'll come back off", " don't be so hard on yourself....you've earned it" . What exactly am I earning? What am I doing to my body and my mind? The very thing I told myself I would no longer allow.

I still really want a hamburger...with bacon..and extra cheese. Not a gluten free, bunless, healthy, homemade burger. The kind that comes with a lifetime of problems. Today, on Day 3 it's easier to say no. The planning of meals, drinking of water makes it easier to say no.

I forced myself to eat breakfast. Then forced myself to eat salad. My water intake is not quite as great as yesterday but by bedtime it will be.

There are a hundred thoughts. Most of what sound like " you are doing all this work, all of it, and you will fail". Funny how that works. I consider myself to be self confident, my self esteem has come a long way and yet still. I am my own worst enemy.

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Great

I think we're all our own worst enemies. You are certainly not alone in that. It's easy to rationalize what we "deserve," but you are so right - deserve what? To poison our bodies and cause problems for ourselves. It's so much harder to recognize enablers when they're right there in the mirror... That being said, recognizing it is the first step! The rest will come with persistence.

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Alecia w.

04/20/2016 10:25PM

I am 250 pounds and I know the complacency. I never really thought I was fat. I gained due to medical issues and didn't realize I wasn't ok. My husband was still attracted to me, people still flirted and said I was cute. So hey, it's ok. But I was getting the signs from my health professionals. I have 4 herniated disks and my doctor doesn't want to do surgery until I am thinner, and older. I was in pain, but mainly the pain is coming from the weight, that hurt when I worked out. Huh? There's a vicious circle. So no more excuses and just work. So when I hit the 198 I will be happier, but still not satisfied because we deserve more out of life.

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Vanessa N.

We definitely do. I remember a lot of the pain I had at my heaviest weight and slowly seeing many of them dissappear when I dropped weight. I was in a lot of denial. Our honesty and willingness to change is the first part. Being proactive and trying is next. I wish you lots of luck!

Alecia w.

thank you! we got this.

Erin M.

04/20/2016 10:36AM

Girl, you took the words right out of my mouth. I really enjoyed reading this. Many of not all of us struggle with these thoughts. Sometimes even taking it day to day is a struggle. My personal relationship with food and my body is a minute by minute struggle. Always at the front of my mind.

Vanessa N. likes this comment.

Vanessa N.

It's definitely a form of obsession for me. Blogging has helped. I wish I had the courage to do the dietbet sooner. It helps to know so many people feel the same way!