My weight has been fluctuating like crazy since the start of this dietbet. I needed to find some stability so I purchased a new scale that syncs with my phone and myfitnesspal. So far I've lost 4 lbs this week. It's hard to be proud of that fact because I gained 12 pounds in less than 2 weeks.
I have been struggling with a lot of mental illness lately and should probably consider seeing a therapist. But I'm just afraid of the things I will find out about myself. I know getting healthy and socializing is a temporary fix so I've amped up my workouts and dragged myself out to several bars along with a soccer game in downtown DC last night. Today was my friend's memorial service for her suicide. It's hit me more and more each day. Yesterday was the first time I could describe it without hysterically crying. I just feel like life is so short and I am getting more and more anxious with each day I grow older. Anxious about my upcoming wedding. Anxious about my life decisions. Anxious about upcoming exams and internships that will define my career. It's all just so much that my anxiety becomes paralyzing.
Today I laid in bed until 5pm fantasizing about a life I wish I had. But it turned dark quickly. Real dark. As I passed out my brain went to my greatest fears. I woke up in a panic and started cleaning and cooking some healthy food because my brain snapped to "what would a therapist say to do" mode. I don't know why my brain still goes there but it does. I have so many unclosed doors from my past that haunt me and will continue to haunt me every day I have any downtime.
I need to make time to write music and sing again. That was today's plan, but I woke up too depressed and anxious to move. I am going to spend the rest of my night writing msuic, and hopefully singing some, and going grocery shopping to get a lot more chicken and veggies tonight. My fiance left me his credit card and said to go take care of myself. He knew I was having a "bad day" and tried to cheer me up with breakfast in bed, and doing all of the dishes, and rubbing my back before he went to work. But I just laid there silently staring at him. He must get so frustrated with my moods. I know I do.
This week my friend Amanda pulled me out of my self-pitying ditch and started Monday by sending me snaps of her jogging outside and eating healthy foods. It inspired me to start working out again and eating all the healthy foods I know I should be eating. The highlight of my days are watching her funny videos making food in her kitchen and responding with my weird concotions as well. It's really the little things in life that keep me going.
Goodluck to everyone struggling out there. Let's keep each other motivated!