Michelle, I am so sorry for your loss. My father has been battling cancer this past year, so I understand that side of your story...but I can only imagine how difficult and painful your father's loss has been. I hope that, in time, the guilt will abate. Not being present for his surgery and quick decline must have been so difficult, but it sounds like you did exactly what he wanted you to do -- go on your trip and live life. He obviously knew that you loved him deeply, and he loved you too. I am sure he would be proud of your current efforts to make a better, healthier future for yourself. I wish you continued healing.