16 days I can't get back

Posted on December 9, 2014

I logged in today for the first time since before Thanksgiving. I had written a post about how to get through the holidays and received advice from several people. I ignored you all. I attended 4 Thanksgivings and somehow (this is so atypical from years past) they all had apple pie - my favorite. Thus, I consumed half a pie that week, along with a myriad of other unhealthy options.

Then, I got back home after traveling, and was so disheartened with myself, and in conjunction with having a difficult week (both academically - I am in a PhD program and personally), I just pushed this entire thing out of my mind. I knew that making healthy eating choices and exercising would make me feel better. I didn't want to. I knew I had friends, both in real life, and likely on here, who would have given me much needed encouragement to push through, and I chose to alienate myself. I knew what I needed to do, but I intentionally didn't do it. Instead I made myself a cake. A marbled cake with chocolate frosting. I ate every last bite of it. I even literally licked frosting off of the pan after eating the last slice. I hate myself for it.

I have had a friend reach out to me a couple of days ago and I admitted how much I had been struggling. It is through her encouragement (and in particular, through receiving a hug at a time when I thought of myself as beyond despicable and certainly beyong huggable) that I was able to get up this morning and jump rope just for 20 minutes (I have a 10 page final exam due in 7.5 that I haven't started reading for yet) - so that in combination with writing this - is more time that I truly can afford to lose this morning. I also made myself submit an official weigh-in this morning, because I knew I would be unhappy with it, and I wanted to make myself see my failure in a way that would hold me accountable. I am actually down 8/10 of a pound from my first official weigh in, which means that I have actually lost about 4lbs since the Thanksgiving/cake eating fiasco.

I have around 7 pounds left to lose before round 1 is complete in 9 days. It's neither feasible nor healthy for me to achieve that accomplishment. I don't fail. I am 23 and I have 2 Master's (soon to be 3). I do not fail, as a rule. And now I have. I know intuitively that hating myself for having wasted more than two weeks during this round and beating myself for the decisions I've made won't be productive. But that's where I am right now. I want to quit, then I won't fail. At least not publicly. So, through writing this post, I am able to share the fears that I have and hopefully do so in a way that will help me stay on the track I want to for the future. I know this is a marathon and not a sprint, while I may not meet round 1's goals, there is no reason I can't get on track for the remainder of this transformation period. I know this logically, but I am still so angry and so disappointed in myself that I allowed this to happen.

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Jocey

12/09/2014 8:28AM

Thanks for sharing. I identify with so much of your post! I hope that you can figure out a good work/workout/eating balance that will leave you with a better feeling of accomplishment in all aspects of your journey. Know that you can always vent here - sometimes it just helps to get those emotions out and then you can refocus on the positive and leave the negative behind!

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Carmen B.

Thank you Jocey. I appreciate it! :)

Les

12/09/2014 7:17AM

So, feel better now? Hating yourself is pretty wasted energy - use it to get back in the game and do what you know you need to do! Takes a lot to admit that you didn't hold up your end of the bargain - but the game isn't over and you can still get back!

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Carmen B.

I am doing better. Just getting the quick work out in today helped. Thanks for the encouragement. :)

Cara H.

12/09/2014 4:23AM

Honestly, I have the same issue with failure. I'm so afraid of failure that I don't start things I'm not sure I can do. I don't make bets that I'm not 90% sure of winning. Just being able to admit it and commit publicly to something that's not a sure thing has been a scary and wonderfully liberating experience. Stick with it. Don't quit.
I want you to focus on one of the pieces of your blog that leapt out and screamed at me. You jumped rope for twenty minutes! You also made it sound like you could have gone longer. I can't tell you the last time I was able to jump rope. Jumping rope is HARD. It takes a LOT of both strength and endurance. I'm very impressed.

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Carmen B.

Thank you so much! I almost deleted this post, thinking perhaps I had been a bit too honest, but I am glad I didn't now. Failure is terrifying, but I guess we can't succeed if we quit.

And I love jumping rope. I can do an hour without stopping, and try to in the summer, but I just find its not feasible to invest that much time in working out during the semester. It is my favorite way to exercise, I get bored easily, this involved enough body parts to entertain me. :)

Thank you again.