It's February, the shortest month of the year, and one of the worst for avoiding CHOCOLATE. Extra dark for me, please. (I've already had three brownies and two turtle cheesecake squares within the past two days.)

After winning all of my DB rounds last month, and promptly rewarding myself by spending all the profits from my winnings on various Toni & Guy hair products (at 75% off!!)--not to mention a whole bag of Dove dark chocolate--I was faced with the cruel reality that $61 doesn't go too far these days, and those abandoned pounds can creep up and pounce on the inattentive with a vengeance. I worked hard this past month--though maybe a little too stringently in light of the two DB10 and three DB4 games I was involved in. I denied myself a lot of fun foods, hit the gym instead of the pillow way too often, and replaced countless cups of black tea, red wine, and beer for pure filtered water.

Looking back over my progress in this DB game, I lost a bit of weight, gained back a bit of confidence, and found that some of my favorite clothes had become a tad bit roomier--all while earning a bit more spending money. Great things, to be sure, but whenever I think about all the work that went into reaching those goals, I cringe in dread of all the challenges still looming up ahead. Sometimes all those benefits just don't seem worth all the trouble.

During the past few days (immediately after the WIs from my five games), I've found every way possible to say "no" to the gym and "yes" to a variety of chocolate and cheese desserts. It's obvious that money and a sense of well-being isn't enough to motivate me anymore. With months of DB hurdles ahead, compounded by all of my seemingly endless university assignments, I just want to pat myself on the back for making it this far and take an easier road.

(Where did I put that bag of Dove dark chocolates?)

Everybody is different, and different things motivate us. For my part, I chose a major that possibly wouldn't make me very much money, but I was okay with that because I absolutely love my major. However, I do not love all the stress involved in Dietbet games, and consequently it's becoming harder and harder to stay motivated on this six-month journey.

When I joined Dietbet for the first time last November, I thought I wanted awesome results more than the sacrifice it would require, but maybe I was just deluded. Yes, I still want to work out, get stronger, and be healthy, but I want to do it at my own pace. I don't want someone to tell me that I have "X days to lose" and I don't want them to tell me how much. There are enough deadlines in my life already.

But then I remember that without deadlines I probably wouldn't turn in any of my university assignments. I wouldn't learn as much, discover as much of my own potential, or earn something worth having, something that will create a better future for me and my family. Without the accountability involved in pushing toward a specific goal each month with a group of others doing the exact same thing, I may never find the time to create or reach healthy goals on my own. In fact, without some kind of outside force keeping me accountable, I might even travel backwards, further away from my goals (as dark chocolate is just...so...good).

Nobody twisted my arm: I registered for college, and I chose to sign up for Dietbet. I chose the amount of weight I wanted to lose. I chose the timeline. And nobody forced me to agree to any of those things; those goals were my choice.

Sometimes it's so easy to get distracted by the steepness of the journey and miss the view.

Anyway, I finally found something to motivate myself: this May 2015, I've signed myself up for a professional "graduation" photoshoot. This isn't just any old boring@$$ traditional photoshoot, it's going to be artistic and fun and brimming with personality and a couple brand new outfits. The photographer is going to zoom in and focus only on me, and that scares me to death. I don't want to let something like my weight or self-consciousness or imagined imperfections get in the way of letting my personality shine through.

Four years ago, I entered university with only a fifth-grade education. I never expected to go to college, and I never expected to find the strength to continue that challenging journey month after month (hmm, that sounds familiar). Since graduating from university this year will be such a tremendous milestone in my life, I like the idea of a photoshoot as a kind of documentation of that milestone. And maybe, come May, that won't be my only accomplishment. Photographs capture our faces and bodies for years afterward, and now May is my new deadline, my new motivation to continue on the paths I have chosen to take.

Now, where are those running shoes....