It is no secret that I hate how my body reacts to dieting. Up 1 down 2, up 3 down 1, down 2, down 1, up 4... it is endless. I've tried lots of different diets over the years starting with herbalife back around the whole phen-phen thing. I lost a lot of weight but as soon as they changed their formula it stopped working. Then it was eating in moderation and increased physical activity. Then Weight Watchers went online, that didn't work too well. Then as I approached 40 and my weight was at its heighest, I tried slimgenics and lost 36 lbs and got to my lowest weight in six years and was still working on it when I met the woman who would become my wife. Nothing derails a good diet like dating! I am sooo not complaining!! I love my wife more and more every day and we have built a wonderful life. I just wish I would have stuck with my diet then when my metabolism didn't suck as bad as it does now. That was 2010 when I did the slimgenics thing.
Since then I have joined running clubs (got tendinitis in my hip--don't run anymore), rejoined weight watchers (lost 16 lbs--it's back and then some), tried a juice fast (my gut hated it), contemplated going back to slimgenics, set big goals to help motivate me, set little goals to help motivate me, gone to the doctor to get a clearer picture of my health, contemplated expensive shake weight loss remedies used for bariatric patients, read Chris Powell's books, and spent $30 to join dietbet. Dealing with weight loss is exhausting, not because of the exercise but because of the mental toll it has taken on my life.
Last week as my wife and I were driving to Michigan for her 20 year high school reunion, she thought we should read a book together, titled "Overcoming Overeating" or something like that. As I drove, she read and we talked about the various topics. It prompted me to think about how I my perceptions of weight were formed in early life--that was my last blog post. Last night she read more of the book as we were laying in bed and I listened to the author's list of possible motivations for overeating. Some of the reasons that were listed, definitely did not apply to me but others, caused me to really think about my childhood and the role food played in my life.
I am the type of overeater that if there is anything sugary in the house, I will eat it until it's gone. Crumbs and all. I never used to be like that because we didn't have a lot growing up. I grew up in a single parent household with two abusive older brothers whom were trusted to "take care of me." My brothers hated each other and regularly beat the living hell out of one another and the only time they ever got along was when they united against me. We never had sugary foods in the house because they would be eaten within a day and it was like "Lord of the Flies" just to be able to get my share of the treats. As I became an adult, I didn't have to share my treats so much and actually never bought any until I adopted my son and became a mom in 2003. It was at that time I started baking brownies and cookies, and doing all of the mom stuff for my son that I didn't get. The only thing is, my son didn't have a sweet tooth like I did so I would end up eating the majority of the snacks. As he got older and started developing his own taste for all things tasty and delicious, I kind of found myself trying to make sure "I got mine" and then next thing you know, the container of ice cream was empty. I rarely buy ice cream or cookies because I will eat them all. Every. Last. One.
Years of therapy helped me deal with the abuse issues from my childhood and I have long since forgiven my brothers. I keep a healthy distance and try not to get sucked into the drama of their lives and have very healthy boundaries in dealing with them in adulthood so that is good. But what I didn't realize before was that I dealt with all the big stuff but now the food issue is front and center and the more I read about what motivates my decisions around food, the more I realize that there are some underlying issues that I need to deal with in order to conquer this thing once and for all.
When I watch Chris Powell's show, I can't help but to think that it's schmaltzy and predictable. We've all seen the show and it starts out the client is doing great and then they hit a wall and it's like, "maybe they will give up!" Only you know they won't because it's only 45 minutes into the show and you know there is going to be that breakthrough moment when the client confronts their parent or faces their fears and then they buckle down and keep going. For as schmaltzy as it is, I really need my breakthrough moment and I am not sure what it is going to take. When I went to the doctor, my labwork was very much on the high end but normal--barley. My doctor didn't seem alarmed at all. I thought that my doctor would wag her finger at me and shame me into losing weight. Nope, all is fine. I don't think I need shaming for my breakthrough--lord knows I do enough self-shaming without anyone else piling on. Like last night, I had to look under the couch for the remote control so I got down on my hands and arthritic knees to grab it and I could barely get back up! My arms and legs can barely get me back to a standing position! Every day I have moments like that to where I think, "This is it--things have to change!" But then there is no change.
I am sure all of this self-discovery is a good thing but at some point, there has to be a change. At some point my body has to respond to the healthy eating and exercise. If nothing else, $30 is the least amount of money I have spent on learning about myself.