The first day started out feeling like a breeze. I did fine eating healthy and not gorging on any one food, that is until my off-and-on boyfriend began the nightly calling and texting session, and ignoring my demands to let me go, so I could get off the devices and find some time for myself before bed.
My sleep schedule has been under attack ever since I met him two years ago. But it wasn't until lately that I really began trying to carve out time for myself. I moved out five months ago, purely because he is up 'round the clock and doesn't seem to get the concept of getting a good night's rest.
He still doesn't seem to get that about me, that with work and a 1-year-old and trying to maintain some semblance of order in my tiny apartment, my "me" time is very hard to come by. It's usually just a sliver of time left to me late at night, fleeting and quickly dissipating. And when he impedes on it, on and on, with "urgent" texts he expects immediate replies to, I begin to feel really agitated.
This whole routine causes a lot of internal stress for me. I'm always letting everyone else in on my time, doing for others (which I don't mind), but then when it comes time for the quiet space when the baby is miraculously asleep, and the devices aren't buzzing or blinging... I want that time. I demand that time. Sometimes it's barely an hour to flip through my favorite Real Simple magazine issue, or go over my to do list, or to write this blog post as I'm doing now.
When I don't get that time, I find myself eating... healthy cheddar flavored mini rice cakes, yes... but, unfortunately feeling like devouring the whole yummy bag as I stand at the counter almost doing so, nervously, emotionally eating. The small victory is that at least I recognized that tonight, and I stopped, and that's maybe the first step to change.
With food, I'm trying to quell that chaotic feeling of too much going on. But lately, I've tried to replace that unhealthy action by working on my breathing, and using a cup of hot soup or relaxing tea to bring me back down on the road to slumber after a hectic day.
And I no longer keep the pint of Häagen-Dazs in the freezer, where it can call me back to bad habits.
It's a start, right!?
Note: The photo I posted is me at a size 4, pre-baby body, when I was still running and working out with a trainer, around 2010. My goal is not to be like a model or someone I envy, but just to be what feels like me again, pain-free, energized, and feeling excited to be who I am in this life that I live, perfect or not!