A steady diet of SUCKITUPBUTTERCUP!

Posted on June 18, 2015

So in an on-going, never-ending cycle of up’s and down’s, I am upping and downing.

I have eaten my feelings for a few days. Over-eaten. Binge-eaten. It has not been pretty. I purchased Twinkies (plural) ON PURPOSE and brought them INTO MY HOME and placed them IN MY PANTRY for CONSUMPTION. This is absurd, for so many reasons. One, Twinkies are not food, they are not good, and I do not like them. But I saw them, I was feeling vulnerable, and I bought them. THEN I ATE ONE. And you know what? Reason two for absurdity: It was foul. It was so sweet it was gross, and I knew at the first bite that I was not enjoying it. It did not stop me from eating it, and a second Twinkie, for good measure. Three: SABOTAGE! I cannot have food like that in my home. I just can’t. I’ve been trying to tell myself that I’ve been doing really well in my weight loss goals and I can afford a small, planned treat now and again. That’s true—if we’re talking like a Friday slice of pizza or a few chocolate squares after a nice walk. But this? This is not that. This is a descent into ED bingeing and emotional eating.

I’ll spare you the humiliating details, but rest assured that through a number of poor choices, too little water, and WAAAAAY too much food, I have gained about 5 lbs. The good and bad of that: Good—5 lbs on me isn’t too much to carve back off in a few days of good choices. Bad—it means a few more days I could have been making progress instead of just doing damage control have been wasted. I am bloated and puffy and I FEEL bad. Emotionally less so than physically. But I physically feel pretty awful. I’m salt-achey and generally yuck.

But I’m disappointed. If you’ve been following my progress, you may notice a trend. I am noticing a trend. I do well for a few days and I’m introspective and thoughtful about my food and goals. Then I get a little cockey and I slip a little—just a little. But I think, that’s ok! You have to have balance! Then I slip a little more, and a little more, until I’m in full-on terrible choice mode. Then I shake it off, pull up my socks, find my head again. Repeat.

But each time I slip a little further, and I don’t pull up my socks quite as far as I should. So I’m regressing.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, SELF???

Okay, look. I started out with food as my main area of change. After a little while getting acclimated to that I worked in exercise—not too much at first. I worked up. I was still being a CHAMPION at food. Nutritious, tasty, filling, low-cal. And you know what? My results were SO GOOD! I lost about 20 pounds in a month.

I’ve slowly slipped a little more and a little more. I started working out longer to account for the poor choice I had ALREADY decided to have at dinner—and I’m not talking like one night a week. I found I was thinking things like “Well, I don’t really feel like going to the gym today, but if I do I will burn a thousand calories so I can eat more at dinner. OKAY!” SO instead of working on my portions—which are a big part of my downfall—I was finding a way to out-exercise my portions… kinda. Except that if I didn’t work out, I still ate the bigger portion I had previously trained myself out of “needing” (emotionally), and defeated the hard work of the week. I didn’t gain for a while. I didn’t lose either. I mean, sure, a little here and there, but not like I was when I was really putting in the effort. Funny how that works.

So now, here I am. Looking hard in the mirror. I can’t rely on exercise to lose weight. I have to get a handle on food. Fully, completely, lastingly. I’m still working on vitamins and nutrition to help the physical cravings—I think it is working and having a positive impact. BUT. It’s the emotional part that I have to fight now. And forever. I guess that’s the part that makes me sad, when thinking about dieting makes me sad. (It doesn’t, lots of the time… but sometimes…) You’ve all thought it. The sinking feeling when you have to admit that, for this to work, it means forever. It means this battle will go on FOREVER. I will never lead a life where I can sit down and enjoy a piece of birthday cake without analyzing how I will feel later, how I will work it off, and whether it’s safe for me to do so without it triggering me into a binge-spiral of self-loathing or days of non-stop eating. It’s so fast—the regression. It’s such a real thing, addiction. I get it. I mean, it feel stupid to even say “I’m addicted to food”, but really? I get it. When I can recognize that I am SO FULL and I SHOULD NOT eat, and I am NOT hungry while I am preparing another plate of food—when I can recognize the guilt BEFORE it’s even happened, and I still eat, I still do it, I still consume the thing I know I shouldn’t—I get it. It’s a problem. It isn’t enough to say willpower. It isn’t enough to drink-water-it-away, or to choose an apple. It isn’t a diet-pill and weight-watcher’s meeting solution. I’m going to start looking into behavioural health options as an additional branch of my diet regimen.

But for now—for the What I Can DO For Me Today portion of my after-school special—I am resetting.

Again.

I guess that’s part of the deal, too. Constantly resetting, constantly re-motivating, constant vigilance.

I’m going a little drastic for a day or two. Protein shakes, raw veggies, lean protein, apples, water. And green tea because a life without caffeine is not worth living and you don’t want me in that world either.

It’s noon and I’m fine.

Because I can do this, and so can you.

Comment Now!

08/01/2015 10:08AM

Sweet Lord, yes. To all of this. This is my life, except for the phrase "big girl panties," which I don't think I've ever used to refer to myself (and maybe not anyone else, either). Strangely, though, it fits. The phrase, not the panties. They most certainly don't fit. Okay, going to stop talking about undergarments now, and start talking about the struggle. OUR struggle, which is real, not so spectacular, and yes. Forever. Wow. You captured it perfectly here. Peace and blessings on your journey, friend.

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Alice W.

06/19/2015 5:48AM

I forgot to mention that Suck it up Buttercup is one of my favorite sayings. Maybe second to, "Put on your big girl panties and deal with it." I have that on my wall in my office. It's where only I can see it, unless I point it out to someone. I use it as a reminder to myself and as something I can look at when it's really what I want to tell someone, but can't.

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bahhhhh

LOL! Yes, I refer to my big girl panties fairly often too! When I do something I'm proud of I say I put on my big girl panties today. Although, when you're overweight it doesn't quite have the same effect... I taught my daughter "Brush the haters off" in response to tattling, HAHAHAHA. I said "Suck it up" out loud to myself in my car yesterday when I was struggling to go in the gym. It did the trick. (In my office, I have a little print that says "If you cannot be positive, then at least be quiet." I feel that sums up my office morale.)

Alice W.

I like it!! Copying that down for future use.

Hillary S.

06/19/2015 5:14AM

I just saw my friend's mom who lost 200lbs and has kept it off. We talked about weight loss and she said that she is always always standing on a cliff. If she bakes, she won't even lick the spoon because she might spiral. It's sad, but I think for me that's the only way too to do this for life. Just like an alcoholic can never learn to have just a glass of wine, I don't think I can ever learn to have just one piece of chocolate. I don't think having something in moderation is an option for an addict like me.

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bahhhhh

That's EXACTLY how I feel. What is it they say in AA? Admitting you have a problem is the first step? Well, here we are. Forewarned is forearmed. I think it's okay to say it's sad. I'm still deciding. I don't want to feel like it's sad, you know? Food shouldn't have to make people feel so emotional and-- for me-- crazy. I wish (oh, wishes) I had a healthy relationship with food, but I'm not sure anyone really does. Maybe food is my abusive husband that I'm still learning how to quit. Oops, I self-analyzed instead of a real reply. Anyway, thank you for reading and I'm glad I'm not alone, even though I'm not glad you have to go through this too.

Hillary S.

"One's too many and thousand is not enough", right? I think I'm finally in a good place after lots of soul searching.

Kimberly G.

06/18/2015 8:45PM

Damn Tia, once again, its like we are on the same wavelength. The same thing happened to me a couple of days ago. I was full, I recognized I was full and continued to eat. I also get saddened by the fact that I will be in a constant battle with myself for the rest of my life. Will I really have to count calories until the end of my days? But Tia. We have to think about why we are putting ourselves through this hell in the first place. The alternative is worse. It's much worse, because it means that we have given up on ourselves. We will do no such thing. You are worth it Tia. You don't need me to tell you that but it is true. You are worth all of this hard work you are putting in. I am right here with you girl. Right here restarting, fighting, pushing, improving. Girl. We got this.

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bahhhhh

You're right! Part of me re-setting is always trying to remember why I'm doing this in the first place. And that's why blogging has helped so much. If I ever forget, I can read what I wrote before and REFRESH! Thank you! We are worth it! And we'll hit all those goals, even if we fall down a bit between now and then.

Chrystal M.

06/18/2015 5:57PM

Great honest post...You're so right we are all here because of all the whys, what ifs and what not's of our lives. You nailed it so perfectly. The thing is, you keep trying and that is all any of us can do to find that sweet balanced spot!

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Matty A.

06/18/2015 4:32PM

You can do it!! We've all been there.

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Les

06/18/2015 2:19PM

Maybe eat more pears and then you won't want to eat;)

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Les

Pears are very cathartic:)

bahhhhh

I had no idea. I never eat pears. I'll buy pears next time I see them :)

Aimes

06/18/2015 12:46PM

Yes, yes and yes. All of those things! I tend to overthink things (cue the Woody Allen-like dialogue inside of my head) and have decided: stop thinking, more doing. Just keep re-setting and coming back. Each time you'll come back stronger and know a little more than you did the time before. You've got this!

Chrystal M. and bahhhhh like this comment.

bahhhhh

It's sooooo haaaaaaaaaaaard. Sometimes you just need to whine-it out. I'm finished now :D

Jocey

06/18/2015 12:03PM

I get it. I SO get it. And it will be lifelong for me too. We can do this.

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Alice W.

06/18/2015 11:54AM

For this very reason, I joined another transformer last night. I need the accountability that having to weigh in each month gives me. I need the motivation to not lose money each month. I need all of these things until I've reached a place where this is all second nature. I do surprise myself every day with good choices. I'm closer than I've ever been to good choices all around, but just not there yet. As evidenced by my oatmeal creme pies last week. (Yes, plural) We can do this!

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