So I'm hoping that writing about my journey will encourage me to stay on it and keep me accountable because there is nothing more easier in the world than to fall off a wago when no one is looking, as I've been known to do,lol.
About me, on paper I am 26 years old, a recent Masters graduate in history, I work a steady job, I weigh 289.x pounds which I carry on a 5'2" frame. In person, I am bundles of fun, I laugh often and too loud sometimes, my bestie and I can oogle a hot man like a guy oogles a playboy and I'm in a loving relationship that makes me feel crappy about my self. Now before one does a workout by jumping to conclusions I absolutely mean that it is healthy: he loves me for me , accepts everything about me, is uber supportive and often picks me up off the floor so to speak whenever I put myself there with my intensely low self-esteem. I say the relationship makes me feel crappy because it forces me to ask myself and to face the fact that someone who barely knows me (2+ years to my 26 years) loves and accepts me more than I could ever accept myself. Who when I stand in the mirror and abuse my poor body with hateful words, gets angry at me for seeing something so beautiful and wonderful as anything but the way he sees it, perfect and amazing. It's in those times that I hate myself more for not being able to love myself the way that he does which often leads me and my crazy mind to believe that he is lying and that he's just saying that to get "things". But that's the only way I currently can rationalize things with my self esteem the way it is. On that note I am deeply in love with this man and want to fix myself not only so that I stop making him answer why he loves me but so that I can start loving myself.
Also while I am desperately in love with him, I'm also unhealthily in love with food which has got me in this position in the first place, but I'm finding that for my own health I need to be less in love....