3 days in and I haven't messed up yet. I am feeling so scared and sad whenever I look at myself in the mirror. I don't know how I let myself get this bad. I have felt that since "recovering"bulimia that the only way i could lose weight or keep it off would be to purge. Because I can't NOT eat the ammount i do.
Food eliminates my anxiety, it stuffs it down. Its unexplainable. But its the best coping mechanism I got. I dont and have never drank. I don't do drugs. I mean, I used to cut and that helped with anxiety a ton, but I got rid of that too. All I have is food, and i guess sex. But when your at work and things are crazy, you cant ust go have sex. I work in a fast food place. Its har not to grab pastries and cookies just to calm yourself down.
Some how I have done it though, for 3 whole days.
But now I am ust frustrated. I am used to rapidly losing weight, with unhealthy tactics. Doing this this right and healthy way is frustrating. I am the definition of impatient. And that is my downfall everyime. I five up b/c i feel its not fast enough and a waste of time. I feel like a loser, helpless, and ust irrational things. Ive never lost weight naturally. NEVER
Always through starving, purging and excersizing 6 hours a day. All or nothing crazy stuff.
Now I am at a point that I have eliminated purging, starving and over excersizing I am left with the Binging. And TRYING to regain the self control of normal eating. My trial and errors have got me no where seeing how I am 85lbs heavier now. Heavier then id ever thought id become. I am embaressed and I want to hide away until I am thin again.
But thats also unrealistic. I am trying to love myself in the body I have now so I can calmly and slowly learn to eat normal again. im sick of trying to dehydrate myself with caffiene to look slightly slimmer when I go out.
I just miss my old body. I miss feeling like a little girl. I miss feeling weightless.