Last night I gave in to the biggest binge that I've had in a while. It started innocently as finishing off the chocolate ice cream pint in the freezer. It was mostly gone already, leftover from a long weekend of indulgences, so I knew it was portioned just right for my calorie goals. I'd eaten perfectly all day and wanted a sugary treat for myself!
Midway through the ice cream my husband reminded me that he had bought a cup of mini chocolate chip cookies earlier today and since he'd already eaten half of them he wanted me to have the rest. I debated with myself over adding on those empty calories, then I eagerly dug into the cookies, adding them to my ice cream and finishing off the whole cup.
After all that sugar, my tongue was craving salt. I remembered the bag of chips on the counter, honey BBQ twists, chips that I don't normally eat, but still buy for my husband to snack on when we go to parties. I opened up the bag in front of the TV and had mindlessly munched through half the bag before I realized what I was doing.
The negative self talk started immediately. What is wrong with me?? Those chips are especially calorie dense and I'd eaten several servings. I don't even like them! I was already eating chocolate ice cream, did I really need to add chocolate chip cookies? I just messed up what would have been a good eating day! I could've gone down a pound by morning if I hadn't ruined everything. With all that negativity going on in my head, I actually reached back into the bag and ate a few more chips. It felt like I was punishing myself.
I tried the tactic of talking to myself like a friend and reassured myself that everything was okay. That I should remember how I feel right now so that I can ask myself later when the cravings come back if this feeling is really worth it. I may not be losing weight as quickly as before, but I haven't gained everything back in one meal. This may have been a big binge for me now, but in comparison to my old binges this is a tiny fraction, that shows progress. I can turn things around by putting away the chips and getting a big cup of water.
I thought back on what was going on with my thinking right before, during, and after my binge. It was a combination of being depressed about comparing myself to my thinner friend, about being sure that I'd lose my first kickstarter game ever this weekend, about being bored with my evening, and in contradiction it was also about being happy that I'd managed a good eating day.
I think I could've overcome the cravings if I had come here to Diet Bet to blog about all of my feelings. I'm a human being with real feelings and sometimes I do things that don't make sense. I need to find some compassion for myself and learn to make use of the support systems that I have in place.