Overeating and Self-Sabotage. I Hate It.

Posted on November 22, 2014

I used to think of eating a bunch of junk food as a "reward"...I overate even when I was a young child, and as I grew up, I would look forward to holiday parties, or to when I was alone in the house because it meant I had time all to myself to binge.

Now, I see overeating for what it *really* is: not a reward, but a punishment. When I overeat, it's like I punish myself to avoid successful, or I punish myself for NOT being successful. I guess that's what scares me most about being a compulsive overeater: the fact that I can overeat in response to joy as well as sadness, to highs as well as lows. There is a randomness to it that really baffles me, and convinces me (though I have already know for a long time) that it is a true addiction.

Yesterday was a hard and crappy day. It started with a sushi lunch to "reward" myself at the end of the week...but I ordered WAY too much, and ate past the point of being full. The feeling of being OVER-FULL is a trigger for me, and the day quickly became about punishment rather than reward: I was eating everything that wasn't nailed down. I got indigestion. My gallbladder was hurting. I had to sit propped up on the couch because I was too full to lay down. I didn't even enjoy what I was eating.

Overeating sucks and I hate it. I woke up this morning bloated and puffy, feeling like I was hit by a truck.

Part of what set me off, though again I emphasize that I can overeate as the result of ANYTHING or NOTHING and no "cause" is needed, was the awareness that I cannot realistically make goal for the DB4 that I am part of right now. During the month, as I had ups and downs, I kept saying, "Well, there's two weeks left" and "Only one week: gotta buckle down and really do this".....

However, as my weigh in date drew closer (only a couple days left), I realistically looked at the numbers, and realized I would probably not hit my goal. Then, I used that knowledge as a kind of justification for overeating yesterday. Though when I have a day like yesterday, I am not conciously thinking anything...I am more like food zombie, or like I am watching myself in a movie yelling "STOP, STOP!" all to no avail.

This is a depressing blog post, and I usually try to be so inspirational.

I guess the light-at-the-end-of-the-blog-post is that I AM STILL HERE. I am still fighting. I refuse to go quietly into that food-filled night. I am filled with knowledge of what I want, and what I do NOT want. I am still determined to reach my goals for the DB6 I am part of.

I think about all of you here on DB and I am inspired. You are my friends, and we are all in this together.

Even in our darkest hour, the food can only drag us down for so long. Even after the darkest night, there comes a point where the sun rises again, you wake up and start over. You drink your water and go for a walk. Determined that even if you lose some battles, you can still win the war. :)

Comment Now!

HapiCampr

11/22/2014 6:28PM

Hey girl - sending hugs to you across the internet. You presented a good description of how we can be our own enemy. And, I've been there done that as well. I'm finding DB is helping me to overcome some of those issues one at a time. The first thing I changed was feeling like a slave to the scale. I know, it seems the bets would cause the opposite - not for me though. Second thing to improve was the support I found on here. In my worst moods I can log in and find someone to cheer me or a post that is just right. Third thing is a few wins - those have been very motivating. In and amongst all this good stuff I've also had some of the bad days - overeating, feelings of fear - of failure and success, and not deserving success. I'm working through each day, one day at a time, one situation at a time. I'm with ya - I've got your back. Just ask - I'm here.

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adrienne121

11/22/2014 7:49AM

Adrienne, I'm sooo sorry to hear that you're having a tough time!!! Please don't be sooo hard on yourself!!! We're all in this struggle trying to change our overeating/bingeing habits, & it takes time. We didn't learn our bad habits overnight, & we're not gonna master new habits overnight either. Please take it one day at a time!!! Like Chrissy said: It's a process. No matter what, always remember that we may slip & fall along the way, but the most important thing we can do is pick ourselves up & try, try, try again!!! Quitting is DEFINITELY NOT AN OPTION!!! I know you're not a quitter; I'm just saying..... :-)

Keep your head up mamacita, & hang in there!!! We're hear for you!!! :-)

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Soxanderous

11/22/2014 7:15AM

I have very similar overeating experiences. A couple days ago I signed up for a dietbet10. I figured that there was enough wiggle room to allow for imperfection. Maybe a longer term outlook might help?

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Chrissy

11/22/2014 5:55AM

I'm sorry to hear your having such a hard time.....but as you said...there is light at the end ;)) .....
it's great that you wrote about it...I know for me, when I reflect it gives me in site to the reason I did it in the first place.
This is a long hard process, were gonna trip fall & even think about giving up....but your still here....you want this so just forget about the past
( I've said many times the past is gone....if we beat ourselves up about our slips...we end up in a vicious cycle of self sabotage)
So start a new day & just keep on truckin;))
You are not alone ;)()

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Rebekah Y.

11/22/2014 5:37AM

Way to push past those temptations Adrienne. Even though it grabs us by the horns on occasion, we're never truly out for the count unless we let them win. Stay strong girl. We are all fighting right alongside you. xo

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