Fall seven times, stand up eight.

Posted on April 24, 2015

This has been a rough week.

Life stuff caught me off guard, and coupled with a mild injury has really left me feeling crippled and defeated, which then led into some emotional eating and mental throwing-up-of-my-hands. (and 5 pounds of, I hope, salt and sadness water retention)

So.

I am re-booting. I am starting fresh without too much long-term damage. I'm disappointed, but I'm not hating myself, which is such an amazing development for me. In the past, this week would have put an end to all my hard work and left me self-depreciating and bitter. I'd be all eating hotdogs in my horse-hair shirt and stuff.

But I'm not. I'm disappointed, I admitted my poor choices out loud, and I'm working at screwing my head back on.

I'm working on internalizing my triggers and finding the patterns that I need to break, so for posterity's sake, I'm logging this week's decent into emotional eating.

My stupid effing ankle. I have kind of crappy joints and tendons. I am not particularly athletically inclined-- my strong points are much more literary and artistically centered, so it hasn't caused me much anguish in life. I played soccer when I was younger and I always had a rolled ankle, a sprained ankle. I have a long history of tendonitis in my wrists, which is lame but not too big of a deal. Rest, ice, anti-inflammatories, repeat. It's been 6 weeks since I started my workout routine. I've been doing a lot of cardio, which I'm very proud of. Cardio is pretty much the last thing in the world that I want to do. Generally, I hate it. The only things that get me through my necessary cardio are that I almost enjoy the elliptical (almost-- I hate it the least of all the things) and a good soundtrack. That said, I spend some time on the treadmill, and have added a few minutes to my elliptical time over the past 6 weeks and am up to an hour 5 days a week on the elliptical. This is a feat to be commended, and I'm very proud of myself. After 6 weeks, I've passed the hump of "I don't wanna!" about going to the gym and settled into a nice matter-of-fact attitude about it-- and trained my child to be matter-of-fact about it as well. It's just a part of our routine now, so neither of us bitches too much. I've overcome my gym anxiety, I feel fine about walking into the two gyms I use, and I feel good about what I'm doing. most importantly, for the first time in my WHOLE life, I'm not thinking about what I look like at they gym-- I'm thinking about what I'm doing.

I'm the kind of person who defaults into eating disorders-- pick one, I've lived it. And I think the resonating constant in all of those stages is a complete obsession with what I look like and the absolute dedication to punishing myself. It's a slippery slope. I always start out with good intentions, but I have a history of losing control and finding myself at the bottom of a well, so to speak.

My point is just that this time, for the first time, I don't feel that way. It's been a really positive journey thus far, and I'm so excited about that, because it's sustainable.

So then I hurt my ankle.

DAMNIT.

I rested a few days, anti-inflammatories, ice, stayed off my ankle as much as possible. After 3 days it still hurt, so I went to my PCP to make sure I hadn't done some real damage and to see if I was doing the right things. Diagnosis tendonitis. DAMNIT. The repetative motion of the machine coupled with flat feet and likely bad positioning, plus a previously sedentary lifestyle are all contributors. I'm doing the right things to let it mend, but time and rest are the only things to fix it. And I'm terrified.

I haven't been to the gym in 3 days. Maybe this doesn't sound like anything to most people, but everything is so precarious right now. I'm going to try the gym today and hope for the best. I'm going to tape and wrap, and get an insole and hope for the best. My doctor said I can go to an orthopedic for a special shoe or brace if it comes to that, yada yada, and that's all fine. But that all takes time. And I don't have the lesuire to take a big break.

I am trying not to feel defeated. I am trying not to eat my feelings and give up. And, in a lot of ways, I'm succeeding.

But it's hard. And I guess I just wanted to say that.

It's hard.

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GlampingGal

04/27/2015 8:54AM

Hang in there, lady. You've done a lot of work to overcome the head games that we play with ourselves. The ankle thing, that's just another little challenge to ensure that you're really on board for this change. If you can get through this, you'll have earned yourself a gold medal in determination. You have what it takes to get through this - just focus on all the things that you can control.

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bahhhhh

04/27/2015 7:57AM

I finally got a chance to poke around this site and read Staci's story. Really good stuff, thank you for sharing that with me :) I've been working on adding my weights in steadily (and tracking my progress, which is a struggle, so I'm proud of that) aaand thinking about getting a personal trainer so I can learn free weights (as opposed to machines) the right way. I'm terrified of hurting myself, so I use machines right now. That was very inspiring and has me kinda excited all over again. Thanks!

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Alice W.

04/24/2015 12:47PM

That sucks eggs. Nothing about this whole thing is easy, really. Easy is eating whatever my fool self wants, when I want it and sitting in the recliner watching TV while doing so. But, easy also gets us to a point in life where things - everyday things - get hard. Then we're royally screwed. I'm also one of those folks I think you mentioned in another blog post who are the healthy overweight. None of my numbers are screaming unhealthy (except for a slightly elevated BP). So we make the hard decision to change our life and then we hit a bump in the road. That's what your ankle problem is. A bump. You'll find a way over it, or around it. Because you decided that you're worth it. You might try www.blogilates.com. I've found lots of things on there that I can do. I'm a little bit limited because of a spinal fusion (two plates and four screws) from 2008 and a cervical laminectomy in 2011. Her workouts really focus on core strength and there are lots of floor workouts to choose from.

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Debbie

04/24/2015 11:17AM

Rather than not going to the gym at all while you are healing, maybe you can start working on your arms and shoulders with weights. Slowly! That way you'll still be in your gym routine and working on a healthier you - that is what I had to do when I got hurt. It took me a while to think of that so I had a much longer wallow! Hope you feel better soon!!

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bahhhhh

It has a pool, but I do not have the necessary cojones to get in a public pool. I'm hoping a few days and an ace bandage will get me back on the horse. Good luck to you! I'm all in on two transformers, so we both have to keep motivated! :)

Debbie

Good luck to you too!! :0)

Elizabeth H.

04/24/2015 10:23AM

It is hard! I totally understand. You really sound like you're doing very well! Injuries suck, but they are temporary. You'll be feeling more stable soon. Hang in there. :-)

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