Week Six: Really Struggling, Time to Take Stock and Make Plans

Posted on October 7, 2015

I feel really burnt out, and it’s feeling pretty familiar. This is part of my usual pattern: start strong, promise I’ll never stop, get frustrated when progress slows, assume that it was all just water weight and I’m actually never going to lose any fat, gently let things fade, wake up 30lbs later wondering WTF happened, assume I’m just not good/strong/deserving enough to succeed, give up, gain another 20lbs.

Not this time, not today. I am good enough. I am strong enough. I have come so far because of my courage and perseverance. I knew it wouldn’t always be easy and exciting, and that’s ok. Now, I have to revitalise my plans and get back on track.

What has gone well:

Nutrition
- I have kept an online food diary every day, even on really bad days, so I have a fairly realistic idea of what I’m eating (it is insane how much starch I was eating just out of habit, because that’s what my mum raised me to think a meal was supposed to be)
- I have found a lot of my bad trigger/binge foods and largely kept away from them
- I have eaten breakfast every day this year (discovered bircher, letting me get my porridge fix without messy cooking/cleanup)
- I meal plan, and do lots of home batch cooking
- I accept that I will have bad meals outwith my control (visiting friends/family/etc) and they are not the end of the world
Fitness
- I joined a gym - felt really scary, but actually quite good fun
- I ran my first 5k (before I started dietbet, but still an achievement - I freaking love my race number and medal)
- I have gone over a month with my FitBit, and I have walked at least 10,000 steps every single day, rain or shine, on call, nights, feeling lazy, doesn’t matter, I made a commitment and I am sticking to it :) I even find myself deliberately taking the stairs, or the long way around to things, sneaking a bit of extra movement in whenever I can
- I actually feel pretty strong (I’ve gone from not being able to do even one complete rep of clean and press with a 9kg kettlebell to doing five reps with a 12kg one)
- I actually feel pretty fit - instead of trailing behind the group of people I’m with, silently cursing how knackered I feel, I’ve turned into the person who suggests we walk instead of take the tube two stops, and take the stairs instead of the lift
- Last week the fiance had to ask if we could take a break on our walk, because he was just too tired to carry on. Last year, I was doggedly trying to keep up with him on hilly walks, refusing to ask him to stop out of pride, even though I felt like I was going to die
Motivation
- I have really enjoyed watching all of the above happen; chasing faster 5k times, physically coping better with life, feeling more active, showing myself that I don’t have to be a slob, that I can change
- I am looking forward to seeing myself in my wedding dress again for the fitting in January - I already feel good in the dress, but it would be amazing to look even better, have sleeker curves and more toned arms and back (I was brave and went strapless!!)
- The whole qualifying-for-IVF thing isn’t massively at the forefront of my mind (I think the wedding is a pretty good intermediate to focus on), but qualifying for IVF, getting pregnant, and having the safest pregnancy I can is still really important to me
Results (since initially starting in March, before dietbet)
- I have lost 20lbs, which is pretty cool
- My body fat has gone from 45% (112lbs) to 43% (98lbs) - still crazy high, but moving in the right direction
- I have had to go down a scrub size at work, which is super cool, because when I tried on that size in March they were too tight to even sit down in, nevermind work in, so I have actually definitely shrunk at least a little
- I am fitting into clothes better, my stretchy things are clinging less to to my squidgy bits (because there is less squidge to cling to) and the zips on my non stretchy stuff can be done up without the usual fights (tugging, squeezing, pinching, accepting that I’m just not allowed a deep breath while breathing)
- PEOPLE HAVE NOTICED!!! Not that I am doing it for anyone else, but it is really nice to know that my body is definitely objectively changing, especially when I hear it from people that I haven’t seen in a few months, who have no idea that I’m working so hard for it.

What has gone less well:

Nutrition
- While my food diary is broadly accurate, I am pretty bad for ignoring my really bad days, just writing them off when I hit 2500cal, and not feeling the need to be too honest or accurate after that
- I can be a bit bad about recording the minutiae of what i eat, especially if it’s ‘not that bad’ - sugar and milk in drinks, individual bits of candy, a handful of nuts, etc often get missed from my daily record
- Sometimes I forget that healthy stuff has calories too. I can eat a lot of fruit and nuts before realising they still count
- I get confused about how much I need to eat, I think there is a pretty narrow window between too little (feeling tired, freezing and generally crap all the time) and too much (the stupid scale refusing to move in the right direction)
- I worry that sometimes my wise acceptance that I will have bad food days does tend to become an excuse to binge (I had a really bad night at a chinese buffet this weekend where I pretty much exactly what I would have had before my lifestyle change), and that I let these binges happen too often, they should be the exception not the rule
- I still instinctively turn to food for comfort and celebration; my food choices are better, but it makes me so sad that I am still programmed to do this
- It can be tricky having the super healthy stuff I would like sometimes, with my penny-pinching (in a well-meaning way) meat-and-potatoes salad-is-just-rabbit-food fiance around. He would never actively get in my way, but it is so much easier to have fatty sausages and mash for dinner when you are sitting across from someone who is, and there are enough sausages for two in the pack. It’s not his fault that I use him as an excuse...
Fitness
- I have not run a 5k since my Race for Life, I don’t really know why, I think it is mostly that it is cold and wet and dark outside when I would usually go. I guess I am also pretty scared that when I try again, I will find it so much harder because it has been so long since I have done it :(
- I haven’t got a proper established routine or plan for progression at the gym, I feel better when I have goals to achieve, and I haven’t really got that right now, I have been pretty content with the 10,000 steps a day, which I think has been really important to sneak activity into day-to-day life, but I need fresh challenges, I need to feel like I am achieving something
- I still can’t do a push up or a pull up and I hate that it’s because I am too fat. I have more muscle than most women, but it’s just not enough lift this much fat. That is so sad to admit. I’m working on my pull ups with the pull-down machine at the gym; I really wanted to do resistance band assisted pull ups, but I just felt so unsteady and it just felt too hard. I probably won’t be strong/light enough to do either properly this year. I need some interim goals to work towards
Motivation
- Weight loss is rarely consistent, and whenever it slows down, I assume that I’ve done something wrong, so I should just give up now. Giving up is a lot less effort, but a lot more pain
- My progress can be so slow that it barely feels worth it
- Some food is just really tasty
Results (since initially starting in March, before dietbet)
- I have been at this on-and-off for 6 months, 20lbs feels like such a tiny change over that kind of time, but there was few months pause in the middle, and I should probably just be glad not to have gained everything back during it
- I just don’t see the difference in my body at all. I have even lined up all of my weigh in photos next to each other, desperately looking for a receding belly or thinning arms and neck, and I just can’t see it
- My measurements don’t seem to see it either. I started measuring when I joined dietbet and the biggest change I have seen is 2 inches from my bust - NOT PLEASED. I really hope it is just back fat, but I am not confident

All things considered, I think I am doing a lot more right than I am doing wrong, and I really ought to be proud and give myself credit for that. However, I am not doing perfectly, and a readjustment and refocus will get me back on track.

So, looking the things I need to improve on:

Nutrition
- Be way more accurate about my food intake, even on bad days, I can’t fix a problem I don’t understand. Full food diary disclosure, right down to the milk in my tea.
- Aim for daily intake of 1900-2000cals (it sounds quite high, but I am quite big)
- Find non-food rewards
- Have the healthy stuff I want, even if I have to have it by myself
Fitness
- Run at least 1k every time I go to the gym, aiming to increase
- 30 day burpee/inverted row/chest press challenge
- Continue 12kg kettlebell clean and presses at the gym, progressing to 10 reps each side
Motivation
- Enjoy how strong and fit I feel, look forward to the fact that it will only get better :)
- Remember that I am enjoying this, I am proud, and that I am building a healthy lifestyle, for the rest of my life, not a dangerous crash diet for a few months
- Remember how great I am going to look in my wedding dress
- Remember that slow weight loss, built on healthy food and exercise is healthy and sustainable. I could lose weight quickly, but I would suffer, and the results would be temporary
- Think how great it would feel not to need the extra modesty panel to cover the big corsetry gap
- Aim to get sub 200lbs - I haven’t been there for more than a week since I was at high school
- Aim for 185lbs eventually - officially no longer obese, will qualify for IVF
- Look amazing in a swimsuit on the beach on my anniversary
- Put together some inspirational pictures and reminders, to keep my head in the game
Results
- They will take care of themselves :)

Comment Now!

Jen

10/13/2015 1:17PM

What an AWESOME blog! Such a great and organized format! I'm totally going to use it! But also wanted to commend you on awesome progress so far! Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! How exciting! I'm going to be a bridesmaid in my sister's wedding in March and Iooking good in the bridesmaid dress and pictures is one of my motivations!

Anne P.

10/09/2015 5:24AM

Thanks Kirsty for your post, just what I needed to read today I think. I love that you are looking at the big picture! You need to give yourself credit for the positive changes that you have made! Keep going girl, you'll get there!

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Shani H.

10/08/2015 11:46PM

Last time I tried a pedometer I was doing an average of 1,000 steps a day - pretty pathetic eh :). I've got an exercise bike that's just been a clothes hanger for too long - I'm going to try to get on it for 5 mins every morning this month, as well as put the pedometer back on. Its so difficult when you know you've got to lose half your current weight to get back to a healthy range - so I'm trying to concentrate on small targets.

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Kirsty

10/08/2015 2:27PM

Hi Shani, thanks for the message, it's really nice to know that someone has taken an interest. The 10,000 steps is pretty doable if you build up to it. You can try a fitbit or pedometer app, see what you do most days, and try to increase by 2,000 steps every few weeks. I now have my eye on a finishers' medal for a virtual 5k the next time I run a full one: http://toofattorun.co.uk/product-category/medal/Also, I ate pretty well today and made it to the gym, feels like I've turned a corner :)

Shani H.

10/08/2015 12:34AM

What a great post Kirsty. I've been reading your blog since you started it, as you say so many things that I relate to. And you are doing SO well. 20lb is a really great achievement in six months, especially because you are doing it the right way - making life changes - that mean it more likely will stay off. I really admire your 10,000 steps achievement - like you I commute for a long time and exercise is hard, but you have done it and kept it up. Keep reading your list of achievements and making the little changes and I'm sure you will get there. - I like Teenys idea for non food rewards - might try that myself. Thinking aromatherapy massages, pedicures, nice perfume, jewellery. How about a bracelet/necklace and a charm for every 10lb?Keep going Kirsty - you will get where you want to be.

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Kirsty

10/07/2015 3:36PM

Hey guys, thank you so much for your comments. I didn't think anyone would read such a long post. It's nice to know that I'm not alone and that I'm not a failure for feeling this way. Thanks for the encouragement and suggestions :)

Leann B.

10/07/2015 12:10PM

This is a great blog. So many of us have been in this same place. Go back and read your blog as if you were an outsider. You have what it takes to keep on going. Remember you have friends here that don't judge you. We are all here to help each other. And 20 lbs loss is awesome.

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Teeny

10/07/2015 9:00AM

Wow! I need to take a page out of your "don't give up" book! I've been struggling with the EXACT same thing- the burn out and just don't give a hoot. But instead of throwing the towel in you did something POSITIVE and that's a major achievement in it of itself!Some helpful tools/hints I've used/want to use:I'm just like you and I love the thrill of finishing a 5K and collecting my medals. One of my newest guilty pleasures are these virtual 5Ks- You complete the 5K on your own terms- in a gym, on a trail, around the block and submit the time online to finish. There are a few sites that are charity runs or others that are fun runs (also can walk instead of run). I primarily use: usroadrunning.com.A good idea I just saw recently for non food rewards- give your friends and family $10-$20 bucks to buy a surprise present for you. Have them wrap it up and when you lose say 10 pounds you get to open one of the presents. Keep up the good work you're doing great already!

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Maia S.

10/07/2015 8:47AM

As someone who has been in this struggle for 5 years now, I know exactly these same thoughts and feelings. And there will be ups and there will definitely be downs. During the downs, just try and remember those Non Scale Victories to bring you through to the next up. A big thing to try and correct though is to log even those food grazes. That's what always gets me. We forget how quickly they add up! Just a little bit extra here and there can mean the difference between loss and not. Plus salty nuts can help retain water, etc, etc. Just focus on working on getting better, but not being perfect. No one can be perfect! Just don't beat yourself up for the slips. You CAN do this!

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