Down the Rabbit Hole

Posted on February 22, 2016

Oh what now? Those were the words I remember saying to myself when I lost the grip on my eating last year. I remember thinking that I would be able to reel it back in. Clean eating for a couple of weeks, loose 10 or 15 and I'll be back on the road to reasonable. This time there was no reasonable. This time there was the unrelenting creep of the "lost" pounds as I began finding them again. 240 went to 250. Gosh I remember getting below 250 and how good I felt. 250 went to 260. My clothes still fit though because even when I lose I just wear them. 260 went to 275. Yes, a definite acceleration around the holidays. 275 to 280. Time for new pants. 280 to 290 full panic set in.

Stress is a killer. The inability to deal with stress is insanity in some form or another. A marriage gone threadbare. The chafing of its fabric caused by the wife's drinking. The arguements, the promises, self medicating with food. It all feels better for the moment. Everything is just fine again until the next night and another bout with the wine.

Then there is the step daughter. Poor kid is a Korean adoptee who has issues out the kazoo. I read a while back in an article about the group of Korean children in the 80's, and of the Romanians in the 90's that they will all come to a point where they will need to deal with their abandonment issues. It doesn't happen at a certain age, or inder the same circumstances, but it will happen. It is my step daughter's time and her rabbit hole is depression. Now, while she persues her deamons she left behind a sweet little 6 year old named Satan who has brought an entirely new and unexplored level of stress into our lives.

Three Hundred. (300) That is a number that has become synonymous with defeat, panic, and depression. Three hundred, as in pounds, is a place that I have been to a couple of times in my life. Like the dark side of the moon it is a place where I don't want to be. It is a realm where I don't feel human anymore. I begin to feel uncomfortable about my body and my shape when I cross 250, but 300 is just plain weird. I develop a phobia about going into resturaunts because I am sure that I won't find a booth large enough. I come to believe that people avoid talking to me because I have become a gross caricature of myself and they want to ask, but never quite can ask, what the hell happened to you? I do not want to cross that line. I am panicked about it. I finally do the unthinkable. I make a doctor's appointment.

I like my doctor because he is bright, intuitive, and about my age. I know that if I complain about my prostate that he will understand. We connect on that level. I hate my doctor. He is tall and thin as a rail. He is a bonafide marathon runner. Sometime when I am in the woods walking the dog I hear him coming. As I plod he glides. This is the doctor who I am sure doesn't understand my weight issues.

I actually called the doc and set up an appointmenbt to discuss my out of control eating. Into his office I go and fortunately I have a nasty chest cold. We deal with that first. Then I hit him with the confession that I am out of control. I ask him if he knows anything about BED or Binge Eating Disorder? It is a relative newcomer to the world of the crazies but he does know more than I thought he would. He sets me up with a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist and prescribes a drug called Vyvanse. He sends me on my way.

When I get home with the drugs I wonder if this little capsuel will work. Jefferson Airplane plays in my head, "One pill makes you larger, and one pill makes you small, and the ones that the doctor gives you don't do anything at all..." Then I take it as instructed, with a glass of water, and I head down the rabbit hole.

That's what this disjointed collection if sentences is. My journey down the rabbit hole. The Vyvanse is remarkable in that it has enabled me to break the deadly hand to mouth compulsion which I had formed with food. Right now I am not thinking constantly about it. If there is something in the kitchen it isn't whispering to me in it soothing, seductive way until I can't stand it anymore and I run in and devour it. I also have been able to get more accomplished. This ability to concentrate is a side effect which pleases me. I know where I have been though not where I am headed. As I slowly retreat from the dark void of 300 I feel optimistic. I am engaging again and not feeling so forlorn and desperate. There is light at the bottom of this rabbit hole. I just need to hold on long enough to get to it.

Comment Now!

Martha

02/24/2016 1:50PM

You are so incredibly brave to blog like this. I can only echo everyone's thoughts below and especially Ada's: the internet "general store " has allowed me to see just how many people are in the same boat as me. Gosh I wish I could say 300 lbs was my point of realizing I'd gone too far in my eating habits. (I dont know what my heaviest was because my scales didnt go over 310!)My journey really began with my environment changing drastically when we moved to Switzerland. My eating habits had no choice but to change. I was dragged kicking and screaming into a more healthy eating lifestyle. By the time my husband and I found out where all the FAMILIAR & cheap junk food was sold, I'd already started seeing benefits to the new way of eating. *well dang*Anyway, I use an appetite suppressant which I take 6 days a week. (And oh, man, that ONE day I don't take it, I try so hard and still I practically clean out the cupboards! Nom nom nom)But....We are on the upswing. YOU are in the upswing. Life isnt roses, I know. And I am so sorry you're having to walk through all of that. Your granddaughter may go crazy-dazy on you, but you are the only stability and love in her life right now and she needs that. She is lucky to have you. Even if she is not with you 24/7, she needs whatever exposure to you and your unconditional love & acceptance she can get. Strength, rest, peace...& hugs to you, Reggie.

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Reggie

I read some very poignant blogs in the last few months. They were from people who so down and beat up but their writings were proof that they didn't quit. I appreciate the people who always write upbeat things because they give me faith in the possibilities. I also acknowledge the pain that some people endure because it suggests an enormous resilience that I usually overlook. When I think about what I will write here it is sometimes funny and at other times it is almost desperate but what I am trying to convey is that is all from my heart honest. One thing that I get from all of you in DB is that you can accept me one whatever kind of day or person I am. That is good stuff. It is often times more than I feel that I get from my friends and family.

Sarah

02/23/2016 7:45AM

It sounds like you are going through so much pain, and I am so sorry. Keep holding on! It doesn't sound like the stress is going away any time soon, but it does seem like your doctor and therapist can help. We want to support you, too. :-)

Julie Lama

02/23/2016 12:43AM

So good of you to be brave enough to get the help. Stress is a killer. I needed a root canal for a long time. Think I clenched so bad it caused little cracks at the base of the tooth. Or sure it didn't help. We will work through this. Thank God for 300! As much as you may hate it it is that magical turning point that sets you back on your feet and in the right direction.

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Reggie

I don't even like thinking about 300. There is nothing magical about it. It is the border of the dark side. I think that anyone with a weight problem has a number past which they fear to exist. When I get beyond that I completely lose perspective. It is like being in hell.

Biking Syl

02/22/2016 4:14PM

It's so good to hear that the medication seems to give you a minute of calm in the eye of the storm. There is a time and a place for a therapy-only approach, but clearly not when you are in the middle of a full blown tornado. When I watched friends on similar drugs, it was always a little strange because they were always a little bit disconnected from their true self. But in your case, this is just what you need right now. They give you the peace to sit down and start with the behavioral approach. I'm so happy that it started working for you and confident that together with the docs, you will find a strategy for your life that works. I think this is one of the times in life when you just trust and jump, even though you can't see where you will come down. You just know it will be a good place and you have people who back you up on our journey. With their help, you can be strong for your family, because you will take care of Reggie first, as a solid foundation.

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Reggie

The drug has definitely given me a timeout. I was probably strange for the first day or two but my body adjusted fairly quickly. If anything I am doing much better. The fact that I am willing to interact with the world is a great sign.

Biking Syl

Big step forward! And thanks for the review, I guess the drugs improved over the past years, too. I will pass on the feedback.

Ada G.

02/22/2016 4:04PM

It is amazing how the internet has allowed like minded people to connect, and I am sooo thankful for it. Thank you Reggie for sharing a part of your story. How long have you been on the medication, if I may ask? I have never been one for medications too but have had to learn that sometimes things are larger than we can control with willpower. I go to my doctor on Friday for a 3 month follow up for diabetes. I wonder if Vyvanse is even an option for me ...

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Reggie

The internet is a great tool for the sense of community. It is like the general store in the 1800's. I have been on the meds for two weeks now. Do a little reading on BED. You will know if that is you just I knew that my name was all over it. The rest is up to you and you doc.

EyesinFLDenise

02/22/2016 4:05PM

Reggie, you need a hug.

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Reggie

LOL. I am way beyond hugs. A rubber room maybe. I am doing so much better but those were some things that just needed to go somewhere. The keyboard often fills that void.

Sarah

A hug in a rubber room, then!

Debbie I.

02/22/2016 3:46PM

Wonderful post, Reggie. It is wonderful that you reached out to get help and that the medication seems to be doing its job so far. I, too, had done really well back when you were too, but the stresses of a suicidal/depressed child and caring for a dear friend who eventually passed from esophageal cancer threw me off course. There is light at the bottom of the rabbit hole and we will find it! Hold on!

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Reggie

Thanks, Deb. It is one of the best things anout all of you here; the support. And there are so many old friends. It feels good tonight. It is all duckies and bunnies as my granddaughter says.

Marcie

02/22/2016 3:32PM

Thank you for sharing Reggie. You know there are so many of us here that truly care about you. Funny how that can happen just in cyberspace, but it does. When you were off the grid, we worried, when you came back, we cheered. I smiled as I got to the end of your post because what I felt was hope. I adopted our daughter when she was 13 - I am her THIRD legal mother - did you know that? Abandonment issues run deep and do real damage and I know first hand that not dealing with them is not a good strategy to say the least. I am sorry there is so much pain and stress associated with those that you love and interact with regularly. You of course can only control what you do for you, with you and to you. I am so glad you sought help and that you came back to us. I hope you regain control of your coping skills which were rooted in the healthy habits you developed. You did it once, I have confidence you can do it again. Cheering for you all the way...

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Leann B.

Reggie, holding good thoughts for you. I consider you a good friend. A big hug to you. Your sense of humor shines above all your troubles, and it keeps us all going.

Reggie

Thanks, Leann. You put a big smile in my heart.