True confession of a judger...

Posted on June 26, 2016

I am struggling with something that feels shameful. I grew up in a family culture that judged appearances in general, and weight in particular. Most of the women in the family are about 5 ft tall and 100lbs. I am not. Most of them have a wonderful fashion sense, and seem to always look pulled together and stylish. I do not.

Since about 6th grade, when I started paying attention to such things, I have felt like a fat amazon. I grew to my full height (only 5'5") earlier than my friends, and I have always been curvy, but when I look back at pictures of myself, I have been FAR from overweight until just the past few post-menopausal years.

But when you outgrow your mom's clothes at age 12 it's hard to feel 'normal'. Ever.

I didn't feel quite pretty or normal even when I could run ultra-marathons every month, ride my bike 100 miles at a time, or race in triathlons.

My sister, mother and I even made a semi-joking pact to shoot each other if any of us ever ended up needing polyester Walmart pants. Today I am pushing a size 14 to it's limits, surely not worthy of living a happy life at this size.

My mom sighed last week, because she had some beautiful clothing she no longer needed, and was sad that she couldn't give it to me. I made a joke about how I'd take all the extra purses she had but nothing else would fit, and I felt unhappy with myself again.

And here I am at age 54, and now truly overweight (175lbs) and still so ashamed and JUDGEMENTAL about myself that I am almost paralyzed to create any healthy changes. I feel doomed to the middle aged fat belly I've acquired, and gaze my eyes downward when I go to family gatherings so I can't see what I assume are the 'What happened to her?!?!?!' glances of people who LOVE ME. And I assume that they are thinking this because this is how we talked about others...my whole life.

I don't buy cute clothes, because why should overweight people try to look nice, it's an impossible feat so I stay in tshirts and yoga pants - stretch baby stretch that fabric.

I look at pictures of friends on Facebook, especially those who are more curvy, and I see them in cute clothes with big smiles and I wonder HOW could I be happy in my own skin, too. Where is the joy to be had? How do I get that? Why is it that 20-30 pounds is the difference between my enjoyment in life and feeling like I need to hide? I understand the crazy thinking, but I'm stuck in it.

I have started and failed at 'healthy eating' and 'exercise plans' so many times these past years. I end up feeling helpless and hopeless, and resign myself to a 'screw it all' attitude. I've paid for plans, meditated, done yoga, and hired a personal life coach, and still today I am isolated and sad because I weigh more than I think I should, and move less than I think I should. I am a judger, and I judge myself most harshly.

If I could reach in and solder a few connections and re-wire my brain, I would. But for today, I am just documenting this strange, sad place I find myself in. Acceptance is the first step towards recovery, right?

Comment Now!

LilyN

06/27/2016 5:55PM

Great post, I can totally relate! I've looked through pictures of me from many pounds ago and can clearly remember believing that I was so fat. I'd be overjoyed to be at that old "fat" weight now! Maybe it's based in the negative, but I like to remember those feelings and compare it to what I know now, which is that if I wasn't really as fat as I thought I was then, maybe I'm not that fat today? I definitely have a body size delusion issue, so reminders like this can help. And, go buy new clothes!! I used to punish myself for not losing weight by struggling through life in crappy clothes that didn't fit right. I let a friend that is much bigger than me, but also way more stylish than me act as my personal shopper. You'd be amazed at how much better you'll feel about yourself when your clothes fit and you look good! It's a work in progress, but I do my best weight loss-wise when I'm being the most compassionate with myself.

lolita

06/27/2016 1:16AM

Have you ever thought that maybe the problem is not your weight? Everyone in this world has positive and negative aspects in their life. The difference is which ones you concentrate on. We are all wishing to loose some weight, but if we indulge in thinking about it all day it will make us miserable.Stop thinking about the weight or the looks. Get up in the morning, look at the mirror and say-'' I am quite OK. I am great in so many ways. weight is only a temporary problem. life in its glory is ahead of me. I am going to seize the day!!!''And with that in mined give yourself a big kiss, smile and and love every minute of the rest of your life. Skinny or Fat I am sure you are lovely. Just think of that!!!!

Ann M.

Thank you Lolita! I absolutely 100% know that the problem is NOT my weight, it's the judgement, the thoughts between my ears. I'm working on changing those!

lolita

we all have does. you are getting stronger every time you put them aside, take a big breath and think this is the begining of the rest of my life xx

Jenny W.

06/26/2016 10:08PM

I love your blogpost! I think you should relax a little more around your weightloss. Enjoy the journey and not only force yourself to hit your goal. I would try to think less judgy just to get out of that harsh mindset. Who knows maybe the other person started a weightloss journey too? And yes acceptance is the first step :) Accept your feelings, accept your fears, accept your body and accept that you're starting to change it. You can do it!

Vortex

06/26/2016 8:26PM

I weigh a lot more than you do: 298 (and that's DOWN from my highest weight, which was 330). I deserve to be happy, EVEN while I'm fat, and no one can convince me otherwise.Is there a trick to loving this one and only body you've got? This one and only life? I'm not sure. But I know that your family would probably think I'm disgusting, and at 49, I've gotten over caring. I'm too busy living my life and trying to make all of it happy and beautiful. I have a fantastic job that I love and where I make a difference in other people's lives, I have good friends and a great husband, and I look forward to doing more good in the world and enjoying my life more whether I'm successful in my weight loss journey or not. You might find this interesting podcast on weight and shame interesting or helpful: http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/589/tell-me-im-fat?act=2#play, although it might be too "out there" for where you are in your journey right now.I do hope you can find a way to feel deserving. I suspect there are things about you that are much more important than your weight. When you're on your death bed, will you really be thinking--negatively or positively--about how much you weighed? I hope there will be other things that will matter more.Good luck to you!

Ann M.

You have what I am heading for! Thank you for the link.

Cass17

06/26/2016 10:46AM

It is refreshing to see someone being so honest. I know it doesn't help if you are feeling down on yourself (like Bonnie said), but you are 84 pounds lighter than me, so it could be worse.On a more helpful note (hopefully), a few months ago I started reading Warrior Goddess Training by Heatherash Amara and it has made a tremendous difference in how I view myself. I am only a few chapters into it because I am taking my time to work through the "exercises", but so far I have focused on what's inside (as oppose to societal ideas of beauty, success, etc.) and positive female role models. At one point in my life I was anorexic and could see more bones than a person should, but still "overweight" according to my BMI. I have accepted that I will never be "skinny", but this book is helping me to understand that the choices I am making to get healthy and lose weight are because I want to feel good in my skin, not to fit a mold of perfection. Not sure if you are into books or journaling or anything, but its been liberating for me, so I thought I would suggest it.

Sharon likes this comment.

Ann M.

Thanks for the link - I am exploring the Warrior Goddess today!

yogabnnie

06/26/2016 9:21AM

PS. sign up for another sprint triathlon! go for it!

Ann M.

I have considered it, Bonnie!

yogabnnie

06/26/2016 9:25AM

What a lovely ...sad..honest post!! First off 175 is NOT hugely overweight..but it doesn't matter when you feel dissatisfied with yourself..no matter the weight...but give yourself a break. BUY some cute clothes...that aren't going to FIT in 10 lbs. but fit now. You'll probably use them even if you lose weight. I go through times feeling bad about myself and remember a silly Oprah show I watched once when someone said "Be as cute as you can be!" and when I feel ugly and overweight or depressed I try and do it...fix my hair and put on something cute... and go for a walk. and turns out I do start to feel as cute as I can be. FOR ME! for no one else!!! Good luck. I think your post means you've won more than half your battle. bravo!

Sharon and Shari like this comment.

Ann M.

Great advice, thank you!