I am beaten up and broken down

Posted on February 25, 2016

I'm not sure how much longer I will last with the lack of support and amount of sabbotage i get on a daily basis.

My whole life has been centered around the rejection of failing diets and scales.

I looked for motivational posters today to try to get a little pep in my step but instead of feeling inspired I just wanted to light them all on fire.

I should've been down a total of 40lbs this month.. but instead I gained and lost the same 4 lbs which makes my weight loss a 37lb weight loss.. I could've been down 45lb, but I let people pressure me and influence me and guilt me..

Does our wanting to please others help or harm us more? Right now it's harming me, i'm feeling more self conscious, stressed, anxious, and constently sad then ever.. At one point I was almost 275lbs and felt more confident then I do now. 2 weeks ago I had cheekbones, those are gone... my collar bones were so pretty 2 weeks ago, I can't see them now..

WHAT IS SO FREAKING HARD ABOUT DRINKING WATER, NOT SNACKING ON PROCEED FOOD, AVOIDING SUGAR, AND GOING TO ZUMBA AND YOGA ON TOP OF CROSSFIT !? WHAT IS SO HARD ABOUT THAT!

I used to see a strong woman in my head when I would think about eating clean and working out, now I just hear my Dad screaming at me like he would when I was a child looking at the glass of water that I bumped off the table..

I'm sorry this isn't like my typical motiviational blog posts.. I was hoping this would give me a little relief to again revisit day 1 tomorrow, I'm going to lose my first dietbet, its eating me up inside- it's my fault and my fault alone, but there will be others.. that i'll probably lose.

I'm sorry, i'm just so sad today.. I thought about taking tomorrow off of work and doing a crazy cleanse tonight through tomorrow to see something promising Saturday morning, but I think that would be really harmful and not consistent with my practice of healthy weight loss i've been promoting.

No pills

No wraps

No diet teas

No special shakes

No bodily harm such as starving or purgeing

Just good clean food and hard work

I would hate to go against what I believe in to see fast results.

Cheer up, buttercup

Buck up baby

I know I know.. tomorrows a new day to make better choices.

Someone PLEASE give me good solid advice to grabbing the bull by the horns again like I did January 1st.

The anxeity i'm feeling about wedding cake tasting saturday is making my skin crawl. I wish I could send my fiancee and his mom, I might play sick and just hope they'll handle it without making a big deal or cancelling. Then we're supposed to do lunch (they love their chinese buffets - I'm already so stressed out and frusterated and now i'm getting angry) then registering..

I seriously want to cry... I think I might find a councelor to speak to, the panic and stress i feel now in social situations involving food I have no control over is almost paralyzing and I've lost my tools... I threw them out the work van on the way to that taco tuesday buffet.. all gone.. :(

Again i'm sorry, I really hoped writing this would help me find peace and release all this weight on my chest and soothe all these emotions i'm feeling..

I don't feel much better but I am glad I wrote it, someone else out there has to know how i'm feeling.

And earlier when lack of support was mentioned i didn't mean in this community, I meant in my inner circle, coworkers, family, friends who know i'm trying to make smart choices..

I think people sabotage because it makes them feel better about themselves... it's heart breaking and malicious in my opinion, i wish I could get shipped off to somewhere remote for a while, away from people so there are no excuses, just me and my goals.

I'm sorry I don't know why i'm still writing about this pity party..

Tootles

Comment Now!

Priscilla

05/11/2016 9:43AM

Agreed it's all hard. Would like to share something that motivates me and will hopefully motivate you: "We should focus more on what to eat to fight disease and live our best quality life." Once I made that mental shift I recognize my ultimate goal and already feel better. We are in this together.

TrixieCatLAX

02/27/2016 10:49AM

I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time. I think that your idea of seeing a counselor could really help. I see one for other reasons and it's done me a world of good.I hope that you're doing better today. Stay strong.

Sandy

02/26/2016 11:25AM

Abby, Read "French Toast for Breakfast"-Declaring Peace with Emotional Eating by Mary Anne Cohen. Best book I have ever read regarding relationships with food. At 61 I still struggle daily with BED, had it under control for almost 2 years and lost it in January. Back on again, and just finished this book. It will give you the peace to enjoy your pre wedding festivities without guilt. It will make you think why you eat how you do. I also recommend a therapist-best thing I have ever done for myself-I deserve it and so do you! Not healed yet , but getting very enlightened and better each day. Another great book-"It was Me All Along" by Andie Mitchell. Congratulation on the 37 pounds weight loss-and keep moving forward-it is not the day to day-it is the big picture. Enjoy your cake tasting! Be easy on yourself.

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Reggie

02/26/2016 7:13AM

Abby, I read this last night and was blown away. I literally could not respond until I had time to process it. You writing is pure, raw, gut wrenching stuff all of which speaks of a woman who is placing intense, irrational pressure on herself. You are correct about the therapy. You would benefit immeasurably from sitting down with an objective person who could help you understand the changes that you are going through in your own eyes and ion the eyes of your friends and family. The sentence you wrote about your father's voice when you spilled the water touched me. I understood that all too well as do I understand the anxiety and fear which you now live with. Top all of this off with wedding plans and it is little wonder than you are showing wear and tear. I'll tell you a little story. I perform wedding ceremonies. It is a hobby I acquired when a friend of mine couldn't find a preacher to go out to a park to do it. It is absurdly easy in Minnesota to become certified. I was ordained online and with that I was certified in this state. I tell you this not just to make you smile *wink wink*, but also to give you a piece of advice. It is something that I tell each and every bride (I tell the bride because grooms generally just need to know when to show up). The best man might show up drunk, a seam may tear in your dress, or the caterer may drop the cake on the way to the reception, BUT at the end of the day you will be married. Don't panic, stay calm, and enjoy the experience no

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Marcie

02/26/2016 5:09AM

Oh Abby, be kind to yourself! And congratulations on losing 37 pounds! You are not alone in this struggle, and I mean this in 2 ways - 1) we are all here to support you but 2) more importantly, tons of people struggle as you do - you are not weak or ineffective or all those other words you are beating yourself up with. The struggle is real and could be a sugar addiction which is a PHYSICAL addiction like a drug addiction, or it could be BED or could be food addiction - all just some of the many possibilities. Or you could just be having a bad week. Did you see Reggie's post (he is in FW34) - check it out if you haven't https://www.dietbet.com/community/posts/healthy-living/14515-down-the-rabbit-hole.If there are people in your life who are "food pushers" or just trying (not on purpose often) to sabotage your efforts - there are ways to say NO to them or ignore them or learn to not let them affect YOUR choices. Only YOU are in charge of YOU.On sugar addiction - have you seen my posts in FW34 on this? Every doctor who writes about sugar addiction (check out Dr. Mark Hyman - he is one of my favorites) will tell you that you may be battling a real physical addiction and that sugar is more addictive than cocaine. There are millions of sugar addicts in this country - it is an epidemic. There are many books out there that have good "detox" plans in them - I highly recommend Dr. Hyman's Blood Sugar Solution and the 10 day detox books. They all say you may feel crazy and out of

Marcie

That is weird - it cut the rest of my post off even though I was very careful not to go over the limit. Sorry! I don't remember the rest!

Marcie

Ok here is some of what I remember I wrote, first to end the sentence that got cut off: They all say you may feel crazy and out of control when actually you are possibly fighting a PHYSICAL addiction. The Whole30 is aother good approach. I suggested seeing a doctor or counselor is likely a good thing for you to do. I don't think you are having a pity party - I am so glad you reached out for support - it took courage and strength to do that and that is what we are here for. HUGS!

Terri S.

02/26/2016 5:02AM

You asked "what is so hard about....." my response is ALL OF IT. It's all hard, if it was easy we'd all be skinny minis and we wouldn't need DietBet or any other website, app, community, etc. The truth of the matter is it's a struggle for us, that's why we are here. You can't expect to be a pillar of all things healthy all the time. It just doesn't work that way. What you can do is be selfish and think about yourself and what you want to accomplish. That right there is so much easier said than done, I know because I have a hard time with it. I'm always worried about what everyone else wants and not myself. But I know that I feel so much better when I do take that time for myself and do things for ME, not my husband, my kids, work, family, etc. So hard to strike that balance though - I teeter on the edge every single day, some days I fall off but I get back up again. I have to, I owe that to myself.Heck, I had a pretty crappy talk with myself this morning since the scale hasn't moved in a week. The first thing out of my mouth was "whats the point of everything I'm doing if I don't see lower numbers?" I seriously wanted to stop and buy a dozen donuts this morning "for my coworkers"...haha we all know I was gonna eat 2 or 3 of those first. But I didn't, something just said "Don't quit, you can do this, the scale will move, your clothes will fit better and you will see results". By all means, if you feel the need to see a professional..then please do. There is no shame

Julie Lama

02/25/2016 9:12PM

We all have these day's. The fastest way to turn it around is to think of all the things your grateful for..for all the things you have achieved.. And all the ways you have been strong. Really think about it....Now realize you are rocking this most days. But then there are stressful or emotional. Or even hormonal days. So do drop the guilt. No one expects you to get it right every day. (I just had 2 days of crazy chocolate cake. Then I think oh yes the tears, the moon, the hormones, the stress. And I just want to give myself a hug. I want to give you a hug. We try. And we are not always perfect. And that's OK. But we pick ourselves up. Let go of shame or anger. Let go of attaching a chain of emotions to food. Go for a workout and realized how much better you feel. . You got this.That's coming from a girl that had lost many Dietbets now. The first one is hard. My biggest pitfall is around family too. Drink lots of water and wonder if anything made you bloat over the past few days. This is a learning process after all. Do the things that make you feel better. Can you bow out of cake testing and Chinese? Go get a message and healthy lunch at the Spa instead? You sound stressed with wedding planning. The expectations. Your hubby and mom can go have a lovely afternoon and you can unplug. Can't you? Really? Just saying if you don't want to. If you do go. Bring your bottle water to go (I always do.) Try some cake.I had Chinese buffet the other day and scale wasn't up. I just nibbled

LilyN

02/25/2016 8:47PM

I am so sorry you're feeling this way! I've been struggling lately and I actually went to see a therapist today to talk through some things. She reminded me that when I start to go down a dark road in my head that I need to interrupt myself and look at the big picture. For me, it's that I've lost 30 lbs and I am working towards losing more. It's progress, not perfection. In the grand scheme of things the last few days or weeks where I've gained and lost the same couple of pounds is not erasing the progress and work that I've already put in. I've still accomplished a lot and I'm working on myself every day to lose more weight. I hope that you do go see someone to talk about your feelings and maybe figure out some tools you can use to talk to your family and friends about what you need to live your new lifestyle. It's already a good step that you've come here to vent. Get the support where you can even if it isn't in real life. And, please do not worry about the eating this weekend. To make this a sustainable lifestyle you need to be able to indulge a little. Eat a healthy breakfast, do a work out, and then indulge guilt free. Be kind to yourself and forgiving.

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Linda R.

02/25/2016 3:27PM

It is my experience that pleasers have a harder time looking after themselves. It doesnt come naturally to us to put ourselves first. I feel guilt if I go to the gym when I could have been cleaning out my moms house. And I feel guilt if I do the cleaning and skip gym. We have to muster some selfishness to succeed. Taking care of yourself and your health isn't something to feel guilty about. But people around you are maybe afraid they will not have the same place in your life if you achieve your dreams. They might be worried that you will change into a person that is different to who they have been accustomed to. They may not be aware of it themselves. Just an idea.I have or have had all of the issues you write about, I think. Check out a few of my blogs if you want to read more about it. I also agree with Nicole and Diana.But for the cake tasting and the buffet,- relax. Put your diet on hold for half a day and enjoy your cakes! One spoonful of each is pleasant, two if it is hard to decide. Getting all desperate and eating everything in sight just to get away from your feelings will only make you feel bad. <3<3

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Nicole F

02/25/2016 2:59PM

Have you spoken to a doctor about the guilt you feel regarding food, like on days like this? I mean, I obviously don't know if it's a recurring feeling and I am not a doctor, but I was diagnosed with BED six years ago and a lot of the emotions and thought processes you mentioned are similar to what I go through. There's a difference between feeling a little bummed about eating too much but the feeling of losing control, panic and stress should be taken very seriously. Wishing you all the best <3 it gets better.

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